Thoughts Can Kill

"Why don't you die?"

I often ask myself

"Why don't you die?

Is it because you're afraid of death

Or it's hard to say goodbye?"

And here is the difficult part

When I think about it hard

When I struggle to actually reply

To what myseld had asked without a cry

So I think of it again and again every day

And the sad thing is that the answer is always the same :

"I don't fear death,

Or the image of a knife full of blood

That is holding my last breath.

I don't fear the loaded gun

That will blow my mind

And I don't fear the darkness that I'll find

When the pills will lead me to sleep

The only thing that I'm afraid of

Is the reaction from the ones I love

Is the sadness and despair

Is their thoughts that life isn't fair"

However, things aren't always as we think they are...

I'm not the good, smart girl that everyone believes I am

There is always a reason hidden beneath

A more dark, stupid and selfish reason to start with

It's that one small sparkle that we all have deep inside,

That bright light that gives us a motive to fight

Is that small hope that things will turn out well

That this doesn't have to be the end

That life will become better

And the pain will seem like a faded old letter

Whose black, inky words

the rain of tears eventually has washed

But no...

Every day it's always the same

Nothing ever seems to change

Only that the tears become lesser till they vanished

As the ability to feel has also disappeared

And the body is now numb along with the soul

The scars are even more visible

And me even more breakable

Till the day the last strike will come

And my boundaries will fall

And my pieces will be scattered all over the ground

No screams,

whimpers,

No sound....