Just sex; 5sos

11

The next days are hell, Calum being so weak and unable to do barely anything on his own. Michael's in a stage of minor fucking depression, he won't talk, and when he does it's asking why Calum would try to end his own life. Ashton's trying to pretend nothing happened. Luke, he's acting so happy, so fucking happy to keep my mood up. "Don't worry baby," he soothes, "It's going to be okay." He's smiling, a perfect, amazing smile. I stand up and decide to pay Michael a visit, he's been cooped up in his room all day.

"Michael?" I knock softly on the door. No response. "Please, I just want-" the door suddenly opens. He sighs and pulls me into a tight hug. The smell of pizza and vodka mixed with the expensive cologne he got after interrogating me still lingers on his clothes and it instantly comforts me, but he let's go all too quickly.

"Can I come in?" I ask, placing a hand on his bicep.

"Uhm...it's a mess." He mumbles lifelessly.

"We all are, now let me in." I say, pushing past him.

I find my way over to the piles of clothes strewn across the ground, "We're leaving tomorrow, don't ask me where we're going because I don't know." I say, glancing at Michael's tall, slouching figure still standing in the doorway.

I start to pick up his clothes and fold them just like I'd done for Calum a few hours before.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Michael slowly making his way over to the bed before sitting on the edge.

I grab a snapback off of the ground and walk over to him, I straddle his lap, not in a sexual way but in an attempt to get his attention.

"You look better when you smile, Mikey." I nudge his chin up with my pointer finger and plant a chaste kiss on his lips, I wrap my arms around his neck and slip the snapback on his head.

"Adrielle, what are yoy doing?" Michael whispers, not making eye contact.

"Nothing, nothing." I mumble, getting up and going back to my previous job. My flesh burns red and he can see I'm embarrassed.

"Adri, I'm sorry," he begins.

"No, I'm sorry for trying too," I awkwardly place the clothes in his suitcase. "Listen, Michael,' tears spring to my eyes.

"I'm listening," he says softly as his eyes fall to the ground.

"Please, promise me you'll eventually come out of this, shell, thing." He stands up instantly and I can tell I've hit a nerve.

"I'm not in a fucking shell. I'm in a place of grief right now where it hit me that my best friend tried to end his own life, and I have no idea why. But little Adrielle who never has anything wrong in her fucking snow-globe world thinks she can magically teleport me to a happier place when it's all just the fucking same to me!" He screams at me.

"My snow-globe world? What the fuck, Michael? I was abused every single day of my life until I managed to get a job. By a job, I mean fucking any guy who'll come my way until they got bored of me! Don't worry Michael, I'll be out sooner rather than later," I snarl.

"Good. Now get the fuck out." He snaps. I lwave, hot tears streaming down my face as I enter my room, locking the door behind me.

I realize that I've spent more time with one of the boys, I don't spend most of my time in here. Mostly changing or showering, maybe taking a nap.

I'll just stay in here tonight, I'm completely done with Luke's act, I can tell he's unhappy but he won't show it.

I put my phone on shuffle and sad song by We The Kings comes on, I strip out of my clothes and the lingerie I still wear although it's obvious I'm not having sex anytime soon.

I put on normal pair of soft panties, feeling much better then the constant rub of lace which is replaced with a soft material.

Neglecting to put on a bra I pull a large t-shirt over my small frame, I can't say that I love my body, of even remotely like it, not that anyone can but I've been taught to hate every inch of it.

And although I've been taught to hate it and I left behind the sources of those things, these boys haven't taught me to love it again.

All I want is to be taught to love it again,

To love myself,

To love.

I don't think I'm capable of love, I don't think I even love these boys, but I love them in a way,

But I don't love them,

I have no fucking feelings left to love anymore.

My whole heart has been ripped, completely beyond repair.

I should just leave.

And I don't mean just these boys. Maybe I should try to stop this sob story.

This fucking cruel, judgemental, harsh, scary shit hole.

I run my fingers along the chair that sits in front of the desk. Quietly opening the door, I run along the hallway to the janitor's closet. I open the door and look for any type of rope. I spot a thick bunch, and take it.

I know how to tie a noose, my teenage years came down to it a handful times. Quickly tying it to the fan, I write a small note on the hotel's notepad.

I can say I love you boys. Because over these days, I've seen the worst of all of you. But with that, I've seen the best, as well.

Michael, I'm sorry we ended off on such a bad note.

Luke, be happy. Cry. Sob. Whine. Throw shit. Swear. Punch walls. Show your god damn emotions.

Calum, you asshole never try that again. You have millions of girls and boys that care about you so much.

Ashton, thanks for being the friend I always needed.

Enough of this grieving.

Love, Adrielle.

I fold it and leave it on the desk. I climb up onto the chair, and slip the rope onto my neck. As soon as I start to kick the chair out, the door opens and Ashton, Michael, and Luke flood in.

"What the fuck!" Luke rushes over to me, and Ashton and Luke stand stunned by the door. He begins to reach up, but I quickly kick the chair out of my reach. I fall, and the breath in my throat gets caught. It gets blurry, and I can only hear Michael.

"Get the fucking police, Luke help me lift her up! Fuck! One, two, three!"

I wish I could remember what happened after that...