Flower Boy

Chapter Twenty Six

I breathed heavily, the puffs of air momentarily fogging my vision as I ran. I didn't know where I was running, I only knew one thing: I had really messed up. Lashing out at my friends was the last thing that I wanted to do, but I don't know why I did it either. It's like the words just tumbled out of my mouth with no intentions of being taken back. Worse was that at the time, I had believed the words I said. Did I still? I don't know.

I stopped running and looked around, surveying where I'd gone while taking deep breaths. I had only gone to the other end of the school parking lot. To be fair, it was quite a big parking lot. I sighed, deciding to take the bus home. No matter how short the car ride would have been or how cold it is outside waiting, I would not go back to them. I wouldn't be able to stand it.

Getting to the bus stop didn't take long, but waiting for the bus seemed to take forever. I sat on the cold bench, blowing on my hands in a desperate attempt to keep warm. I sighed. If Donavan were here, he would probably hold my hands and keep them warm with me. Without him, life was pretty cold. Then again, Donavan wouldn't approve of my behavior with the others. I heaved another sigh. Another thought struck me: Was this all happening because Donavan was gone?

Before, I had never lashed out at my friends like that. I rarely argued with them. I hadn't seen James drink a drop of alcohol before Donavan died either. Maybe this is a sign... No, no, everyone's just trying to adjust. I hit my head lightly trying to get rid of the thoughts. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to follow the strange patterns that appeared behind my eyelids. I felt someone tap my shoulder and my eyes snapped open, moving away from the unwelcome touch. I looked at who it was: Lucas.

"Hey, it's just me," he said, his hand pulled back to his body. I realized.

"Sorry... You just scared me," I replied, looking away from him. I felt his wait shift the bench as he sat down. I refused to look at him as the awkward silence continued. He cleared his throat, and still I didn't look at him. Finally, he simply spoke.

"Look, Rosa. I saw what happened in the gym," he paused, "you know, we all miss him," he said quietly. This time I couldn't stop myself. I looked at him. He wasn't crying, but I saw the tears glistening in his eyes. I nodded.

"I know," I whispered.

"Then you understand that we can all rely on each other, right?" he asked, "That we all need to trust each other?" he added.

"I know that I can rely on you guys, and I'm thankful for that," I started slowly, "and I know I can trust you, but I don't know why they don't trust me," I finished hesitantly.

"I know what I'm feeling, and I know that I'm fine, and nothing that they say could change my mind," I said somewhat stubbornly. He nodded, as if he understood.

"I trust you," he said and my eyes widened in surprise.

"Do you really?" I asked doubtingly. He nodded again.

"Most of the time. But Rosa, we can all tell that you're being affected by this," he said, and I sighed again turning away from him. He was like the others.

"Lucas, I appreciate you coming out here, but please go back. It's too cold," I said, and I heard him sigh.

"Rosa, seriously, look at yourself, we're wor-" he started.

"Just go!" I said forcefully. There were a few seconds of silence, then I felt the weight shift off the bench and I heard his footsteps receding. I waited there, drowning in thoughts of my friends, Donavan, and the small collection of sleeping pills I had found in the cabinet.