A song that reminds me of someone: Invisible
About it: I had such a hard time finding the right song. I didn't want it to be a cliche love story but I really didn't have much choice. I guess I chose this song because it really describes what I feel like when I like someone but they have absolutely no idea who I am. This was considerably recent so I hope I'll do a better job on this. And I'm also going to try a different format so I hope you enjoy!
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She can't see the way your eyes / light up when you smile / she never notice how you stop and stare / whenever she walks by -- there's a fire inside of you / that can't help but shine through / she's never gonna see the light / no matter what you do
I make my way out of the crowd of people, successfully arriving alive and well at my locker.
"Hey," says a voice behind me. I whip my head around, to find Jordan standing a few feet away, gazing at something to my right. Or someone. Samantha waltzes down the hall, the corners of her mouth turning upwards when she sees Jordan. The expression written on his face can't be described anything other than absolute adoration. I catch myself staring at him, the curve of his throat, the near-invisible freckles around his nose, the dent in his bottom lip. And those startling green eyes, those jewels that sparkle and twinkle whenever Samantha is around, those eyes that I desperately want, desperately need, to be looking into my eyes with the same longing that they contain whenever Samantha is in sight.
There's so much pain, excruciating pain when I see Jordan with Samantha. There's so much light and warmth radiating from him, but Samantha is so unaware of the way he looks at her. It's like a sharp stab with broken glass whenever I see them together, knowing the fact that she will never reciprocate his feelings for her. How does she not see what a beautiful person he is? How does he not realise that she doesn't even love him in the way that he loves her?
Why is the world so cruel?
"Yoohoo! Ree! Earth to 'I'm completely mesmerised by Jordan!" yells Lisa in my ear.
"Shut up! Could you be any louder?" I hiss, annoyed that my best friend just caught me staring at Jordan again.
"Yes, in fact, would you like me to demonstrate?" she asks, raising her head to seem slightly taller. "Yoohoo! Ree! Earth to 'I-AHH!" she squeals when someone accidentally knocks into her. I giggle at her misfortune.
"Seriously though, Reagan, you have to stop drooling over him. If you really like him, you'll go ask him out."
I frown at her words, bored by the conversation that we are having. Again.
"Lisa, you know I don't have the guts to. Plus, there's no point in asking him out. Have you seen the way he looks at Samantha?" I ask her, rolling my eyes yet again. She shakes her head.
"Nope," she replies, popping the 'p'. "I'm not the one staring at him like he's some kind of grotesque accident." I gently elbow her in the ribs.
"He is not a grotesque accident," I defend, walking through the door of my English class and plonking down into the nearest available seat that isn't in the first row or the last row and gives me a good view of the whiteboard. "In fact, he's the absolute opposite."
I have reasons. Don't judge.
Lisa does the same to my right.
"Fine. But just so you know, you need to make up your mind. I'm so tired of seeing you moon over him every time he's within seeing distance," she complains, adding a dramatic sigh at the end three seconds later.
I just wanna show you / she don't even know you/she never gonna love you like I want to / and you just see right through me / but if you only knew me / we could be a beautiful miracle / unbelievable / instead of just invisible
Countless are the number of times that I daydream (and actually dream) about going up to Jordan and telling him about my feelings. That he's been the person dominating my mind for the past two years. That I love him more than Samantha ever will. That together, we could be something great and beautiful and unforgettable.
Except he doesn't even know me.
Not as in "Oh, Reagan Landon, that girl in my Science and History classes? I don't really know her. Don't talk to her much. She seems pretty nice though" but "Wait who? Reagan Landon? Who's she? Is she in any of my classes? Never heard of her".
I got Lisa to ask him once.
You'd think that after four years, someone going to the same school as you, in at least two of your classes each year, would know your name or at least your face, wouldn't you?
But apparently that doesn't apply to Jordan Samuels.
Why can't he see that I'm so in love with him? Why can't he see that I love him so much more than Samantha?
Why is he so oblivious to me?
I can't sleep. These condescending thoughts keep invading my brain, and the darkness bleeds out little by little. Sleep drifts away and I'm left with another night of restlessness, of insomnia. It's surprising how much sleep you can lose just from thinking about a person.
Sometimes I wish I were a different person, like Lisa. I wish I were just that much braver, to be able to confess my feelings to him. And yet even if I do tell Jordan, it would still be wrong of me. He's already in a relationship, and if I were to break up that relationship, I would never be able to forgive myself for taking away something that made him so happy. And the chance of him saying it back to me is not even a fraction of the amount of courage I actually have to tell him.
In the end, when the sun is rising and dawn threatens to spill over my room, signalling a new day, I decide that life will go on. In the future I'll find someone who loves me the same way I love him, and I'll forget all about Jordan. He will just become a speck in the distance of the past. Until then, I'll just have to deal with these feelings.
Until then, I'll just have to deal with being invisible.
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A/N
Gods it's hard to write. I feel like there is a massive block in my mind, stopping the flow of all my creative ideas. I know I haven't updated this in a long while, school has been extremely busy and I haven't found time to work on this story as I'm trying to develop new ideas for a 5SOS ff that I plan to write with Liz.
That's pretty much all I have to say. I may or may not update in the next two weeks, but I'll try my hardest to get a chapter done.
Love you guys, xoxo
