Clarity.

To Be Alone

"I can't believe I thought things couldn't get worse than they already were." I said to myself as I sat alone in my room eating eggnog ice cream.

Jayda, Michael, Dex, Chris, and HaKeem all came over attempting to talk or whatever the case may be, multiple times, and I didn't open the door for any of them.

I know I shouldn't be mad at the world for things it has nothing to do with and I can truly say that I'm not. I just needed to be left alone for a minute.

It's been a minute and I know my little family misses me just as much as I miss them, so I'm just going to talk to who I can today or tomorrow.

I picked my phone up and went straight to August's number. My finger hovered over his unsaved number before I finally clicked it and waited as the phone rang in my ear.

"Wassam?"

My heart instantly started to beat fast. August had stopped answering my calls a while back and after a while I gave up. So this was our first time talking since the day that he left me.

"So you are alive." I sarcastically gasped. This was literally my first words to him in about a month and I'm already being annoying. I couldn't help it though.

"You good?" He asked me, not really interested in the conversation.

"I am. I was wondering if I could come over?"

"Nah, I don't think das a good idea."

I slightly frowned. The fact that August is willing to give up on us so quick made me question if he's even worth it. Nobody wants to be with someone who constantly gives up every time something gets hard.

It was actually pretty pathetic if I'm being completely honest. I think it's clear that August has commitment and abandonment issues.

I see right through the bullshit. August doesn't want to lose me so to prevent it from ever possibly happening, he walks away first. He won't admit it because he can't see it.

But no matter how much I feel that I don't deserve to be loved, I think August does. I want to give him the love he desperately needs but I can't right now because I don't even love myself.

I don't love life and I don't appreciate anything about it. I can't worry about loving anyone before trying to learn to love myself. But that doesn't mean August and I can't at least end things on a good note.

"I won't bother you too much. I just could use a friend.. and food. But I mean, it's cool if y—"

August silently huffed into the phone and after a moment of silence, he spoke. "Mane, aight. Chinese, Japanese or Chipotle?"

I thought for a moment. It was getting dark soon and I didn't want him out late getting food for me, from a place out of his way.

"Japanese is fine." I told him. We spoke for a few more short seconds before I eventually ended the call.

I put the ice cream tub down and walked into my bathroom. I quickly wiped the makeup that I had slept in off of my face then hopped into the shower.

30 minutes later, I finally stepped out of the shower. I put my damp hair into a low bun and began lotioning my entire body. I threw on the first shirt I saw in my closet with some gray sweat pants.

I looked around making sure I had everything before I stepped past my threshold and locked the front door behind myself.

—
"Is it ok if I sit these on the table? They're light." I asked as August opened the door and moved to the side, allowing me to step in. I walked into his condo and sat a few goody bags on the glass table.