Overprotected

Chapter Twenty-Six

For two days I can't look at my desk, where the journal sits. I see Blair in that time, and she asks how I'm doing. I tell her I'm okay. I don't tell her about the journal.

Somewhere along those two days, I see a black cat. I'm reminded of the kitten, which I had wanted to keep when Carson was alive. After he died I couldn't stand the sight of it, so Mr. Bind took it to a California animal shelter.

So many triggers, I think that's why I'm scared to read the journal. I struggle with every day life, how can I read a journal that's full of him?

It's two days after the receiving of the little book that I decide to read it. Dad is in the next city over for work all day, and Nana is at a bowling party until 4.

I take the Tshirt slowly out of its drawer, and grab the journal. I head downstairs, and sit in the easy chair in front of the cold fireplace.

I bring a box of tissues and a cup of water, knowing I'll need them.

I lay the Tshirt over my bare legs, the cloth blending in to my gray shorts.

And I sit. I sit and stare at the shirt he knew I loved, and I let him wash over me. It's half an hour before I open the journal.

To our dear Lexi, in lieu of our son, Carson.

Carson came home from third grade one day with a little girl. He came in and said to us, "Mom, Dad, this is Lexi. The one I told you about." I don't remember what he told us. You stepped forward and shouted "Hiya!"
Carson quietly explained to us that you have no indoor voice. I'm glad you grew out of that.
That night in bed we asked when you two met. He told me, and I quote, "she's spunky and not like the other girls. She's fun and not ugly like them either." A mature thing for a third grader.
In fifth grade, Sydney, Bryce and Nate started coming around. We watched y'all play. You threw a killer pass. Carson came in in the middle of a play date and said, "Mom! She plays sports too!"
Sixth grade summer, you broke yours and his bad habit of nail biting. When he was telling us the plan on stopping, we didn't believe him. "Lexi will help me. She helps me with everything and I like her a lot. She's my best friend."
He got made fun of by other boys for having a girl best friend.

He did? I didn't know that. My eyes are getting teary.

One time as we pulled up to school, some seventh graders were teasing him about being a wuss because he hung out with a girl. Carson's response was, "Lexi's not like the other girls. She's not tiresome. It's impossible to explain her, something that wonderful can't be explained. You have to know her to understand." Needless to say, after that comment he got in a fistfight to prove that he did NOT have a crush on you.

I was having a chat with him one night after ninth grade. He told me you had worn makeup that day. "She did?" I ask. He nodded. "She looked... Different. Older. Dad, it made me feel weird. I got this funny feeling in my stomach, and I started noticing things about her." "What things?" I ask. "She had this black stuff around the edges of her eyelids that made me notice how green her eyes are. And her eyelashes were super long and dark. I wondered how I looked, and what she thought of me. And I noticed that she stopped growing. She's not very tall Dad." I smiled. "I think, that you have a crush on her, son."
"No I don't! She's my best friend. We've had sleepovers. We- just no Dad. She'd never like me back that way." "You don't know that Carson. You never know." "Yeah I do," he said, looking down. "I'm not her type. She's had a crush on this guy three years older than us for as long as I can remember."

"Dad Lexi decided to get a girl best friend today, because apparently girls do things boys can't. I guess I'm not enough for her, when she'll always be more than enough me." He said one October after you were rescued.
A couple months later he came to me sadly. "Dad, Blair is awesome. We've accepted her into our group to kind of replace Syd. But I'm afraid she's replacing me too. Lexi is almost never available anymore, she's always with Blair." "Carson," I said. "You see Lexi one on one at least twice a week. And in a group almost every day."
"I know, but it's not the same. She was MY best friend, and now Blair is taking her."
"Carson you're in tenth grade, grow up a little."
"You don't care! You don't care that my world could be falling apart because of one stupid girl! What kind of Dad are you?"
That was our first real fight. And guess what my dear, it was over you.

At least half of the book is filled with the stuff from our school years, elementary through eleventh grade. I have to stop and sob into a pile of tissues for a while before I continue reading.

There was the day Carson officially asked you to be his girlfriend. I know he's wanted this for years, so I was thrilled he was finally doing it. When you let yourself in, I heard him jump up and stammer something awkward. I felt bad for him, because he's never nervous around you. I have to admit, his father and I were peeping toms on the whole thing. We watched the fire, and how gracefully you handled yourself. After you left that night, he came into the kitchen and hugged us both. "I love her," he whispered. "I love her already. I don't ever want to lose her."

He never did. I lost him.

The next quarter of the book is comments after our dates, and things I did that he loved.

"On our hike today, she walked out on the rocks in the creek. I could've predicted that she would fall, and I was right. She slipped and fell right into the water, soaking her shoes and jeans up to her thigh. I love her so much, her cute mistakes and clever recoveries. Needless to say, after that I didn't stay dry." Is what he said about our date to the state park.

And then, in the last few pages, grew the hardships, the text messages from California and his responses.

He came into my home office today and asked to talk to me. I put down what I was doing, knowing I ought to make time for my nineteen year old son. "What's up Carson?"
He was silent for a minute, before finally saying, "I'm worried dad. I'm worried about my girlfriend. She's in California with that boy she always talks to. She's alone. The dude is hot, from a girls perspective, and I know she's attracted to him."
I sighed. "Carson those are some pretty big worries. Lexi's loyal, I don't think anything will happen."
"But Dad," he said, "She barely calls and when she does, she's guarded. Believe me I can tell. And she's having too much fun. She had a photoshoot with him and that scares me!"
"I'm sure everything is fine Carson."

He wanted to talk again two days later. "Dad she wouldn't call me back. Or answer the phone. Or text me or tell me what's going on."
"She probably left her phone somewhere."
"She didn't though! Lexi just posted on social media!"
"What was she doing?"
"She was with a bunch of kids. Actually the photo was of the sunset, but there were other kids in it. Dudes. Muscular, fine, dudes."
"She made friends in Cali. Be happy for her."
"I am happy for her, I always am. And proud of her. I'm just worried."

"I'm sorry Carson," I say out loud through my sobs. "I'm so sorry."

I got a frantic phone call one day from him. "Mom! Lexi... Lexi's not who we thought she is. She wasn't untouched by teenage issues!" He was crying, and it scared me. He was across the country, what could a mother do? "Carson honey please calm down." "I can't Mom! My girlfriend, who I thought was happy, who wasn't tainted by teenage girl drama, is not... Not... Like that! Mom she did self-harm right under my nose and I didn't know it." His voice was hard and guilty. "Oh Carson. How did you find out?"
"She told me because I made her. If I hadn't I don't know if she ever would've. She did it in ninth grade and was forced to stop, because of the kidnapping. And again when her mom died. This hurts mom, I don't want my girl hurt."
Please don't do it again because of him Lexi.

I hadn't yet.

Then he called me a few days later. "Mom! We're alright! Everything's alright! I love her so much Mom, nothing could tear us apart. She's the best thing that ever happened to me."
Only one thing tore you apart. We all know what it was. But even then, he's not fully gone. I know you still love him, and so do we. We love you Lexi, stay strong.

~~~~~
And there folks, is snippets from the little journal (:

Hope you liked the chapter, don't forget to vote.

-M.R