Vicarious

New Beginnings

If I let Scott leave I probably wouldn't see him for a long time. We would go back to avoiding each other and I don't think I could handle that. I reached him and grabbed his wrist.

"Hey, don't go. Please just stay Scott."

I tried to smile at him hoping he'd stay for me. I just needed him to be with me tonight. I couldn't handle being alone now. 

"Okay. I'll stay." He said softly.

He made me look at him again, "Don't do that. I like actually seeing your face." He chuckled and I laughed softy still a bot overwhelmed about what had just happened.

I sat on the edge of the bed turning around when Scott took his usual spot resting against my bed frame. He claimed that spot ever since his nightly visits became a common occurrence. It was strange to see him there like no time had gone by. I rested my head on knees just looking at him and wishing I could turn back time. I remember how happy I was when Scott would show up on my bed in that very spot. I would always leave my window open and he would appear whenever he could. I thought of the time he had snuck in and was laying down in my bed when I ran in the room unaware he was right there. I had just taken a shower and forgot my towel so I ran the short distance from the bathroom sighing in relief that no one could see me... until I heard Scott's laughter.

The memory actually made me more sad rather than laughing at it. I missed the way me and Scott used to be. The distance between us was killing me so I crawl over next to him. He was sitting with his eyes closed but opened them when he felt me next to him. I smiled at him but I knew it didn't look genuine. Being with Scott was bittersweet I didn't want him to leave but having him here hurt almost as much. 

I rested my head on his shoulder sighing, "I've missed you so much Scott."

There I said it. Scott could shut up now. I missed him and I finally admitted it. I felt like taking it back.. I was about to when Scott began to speak.

"I know, I've missed you too. More than you will ever know." Scott whispered and his words helped me relax. Everything might be okay. Maybe there was hope for Scott and I.

"Can we just lay here for a little bit, please?" I didn't want Scott to leave now. I knew I would definitely regret this but for now I'll just enjoy being in Scott's arms. 

"Of course we can." Scott laid down down next to me. We were facing each other just looking at each other. I marveled at how perfect Scott was. I studied his face and looking into his eyes I eventually my eyes shut. I was drained. Using sleep as a ruse I curled up against Scott laying my head on his and slowly wrapping my arm around his waist.

I didn't want him to know that I missed falling asleep with him next to me. I kept pretending to sleep until I didn't have to act anymore.