False Starts

In-between

THE butterflies had returned, finally. She wondered where they’d been. She hadn’t gotten the butterflies for Michael since the send-off party. But here they were now, in full fluttering force, making her mind fuzzy again. “Um, do you… But you can’t, can you?” she stammered.

      “Can’t what?” he asked, still smiling at her.

      “You know.” She bit her lip, looking at her shoes, “come up with me. I mean, don’t you have a curfew?”

      He brushed loose strands of her hair out of her face. “Ask me to break it.”

      She couldn’t have heard him right. “What?”

      Michael put his forehead against Abbie’s, wrapped his arms around her and whispered it again. “Ask me to break it.”

      Her eyes closed, Abbie put her hands on each side of Michael’s face and smiled.

      They rode the elevator up to the suite in silence, not as comfortable as before, rather it was crackling with nervous energy. It wasn’t like it was the first time for either of them, but it would be, of course, their first time with each other. Michael clutched Abbie’s hand as they watched the numbers go up. Abbie’s palms began to sweat.

      Abbie dropped the key card twice because her hands were shaking so much. This is it, she thought, excitedly, but when the lock finally clicked open, her stomach gave a disconcerting jolt that made her pause. She wanted this, right?

      She turned to Michael and smiled as she pushed open the door and nearly dragged him to the bedroom. He smiled back; her stomach lurched again. Not like she was going to be sick, but like she wasn’t sure about what she – they were about to do.

      Michael started kissing her and Abbie pulled her focus back. His hands were on her hips and he was slowly pushing her towards the bed, kissing her the whole time. She should have been appreciating the fact that he was taking it slow, building the heat; not just pushing her against the wall, his body crushed against hers, so close that there was no air between them…

      Abbie pulled Michael in tighter as they fell into the bed, pushing the memory away, but another one took its place. The feeling of strong arms wrapped around her, eyes the color of a clear blue sky with a bit of brown in the left one, a gentle voice breathing “I want you to be with me. So I can make you happy...” 

      No, she had to forget about that, and again tried to suppress the mental image. 

      “Abbie,” she heard Michael say. At least, a part of her knew it was Michael. Her ears heard someone else’s voice, though. Why was this happening? Again, Abbie forced herself to ignore the memory, and again, another came to the front, though this one was different. A warm hand gently taking hers, the light pressure comforting, relieving a sort of pain that was going through her chest, and the words, “Everything’s going to be ok, Spazzee”…

      “Okay, okay, wait, stop,” Abbie said, pulling away from Michael.

      “What?” he asked, breathlessly. “Did I do something wrong?”

      “No, no, it’s not you,” Abbie gasped, pulling a hand through her tousled hair, her braids having come undone. “It’s… it’s me.”

      “What do you mean?”

      For a moment, Abbie didn’t answer, gnawing at her bottom lip. Michael looked at her for a while, then his eyes widened. “You’re not a –“

      “Oh, no, no, no, this isn’t my first time,” Abbie interrupted quickly, laughing in relief, almost. “It’s just – I can’t – I keep thinking about…” She released a deep sigh and closed her eyes. “I don’t think I can do this, Mike.”

      Confused was not even the word to describe the look on Michael’s face. “But I thought – You asked me – What?”

      With a regretful sigh, Abbie reached over and took his hand. ”I wanted this, but I can’t do it if I’m not all here. It wouldn’t be fair.” She looked at him meaningfully, not sure if he would understand, but hoping that he would.

      It took about a minute, more because Michael did understand, but he didn’t want to say it. His thumb traced circles on her palm as he tried to work over his words. “I think I know where part of you is,” he said softly, so softly she barely heard it. “I think we’ve both always known.”

      Abbie sort of smiled, ruefully. “I’m really sorry, Mike.”

      He sighed and just shook his head. “Don’t worry about me, Abs. I just want you to be happy.”

      “I thought I was wrong, that I don’t feel that way,” she replied, pressing the heel of one palm against her forehead. She kept the other locked around Michael’s, like it was a lifeline and she was drowning. “But I do.”

      Michael pulled her into his arms, because she suddenly looked like she was going to come apart just trying to talk about how she felt. “Hey, it’s okay,” he whispered, folding his arms around her. “It’s not wrong to feel the way you feel.”

      They spent the rest of the night talking, Michael holding Abbie against him and both of them speaking in whispers. Finally, Abbie was able to say the words out loud and they hit Michael hard, but he pretended that he was all right.

      “I love him, Michael,” Abbie breathed. “I’m in love with Ryan.”

      “I know,” was all Michael was able to reply.