Infinite

Chapter 5

This had been different. He had spoken no words with his mouth... no slick tongue, no writing me into pages without end so that he may call me what I am surely not. His kisses had been so soft and so supple... so loving and tender that I almost wished he had bit at me instead. He had been different this time. I had been different. My mind had been so clear. I had held his gaze with much more than just courage or spite alone, because I had wanted to see him. I had wanted him to see me. And though I did not know it yet, this would bring about a change which was so slow and so slight that I did not notice it for nearly a year.

He had slept beside me that night; his arms wrapped around me in ways they never had been before, and I was terrified. I did not want this thing to change. I did not begot into this contract with the intent to lose what I had been so furious for. Of course, I was still utterly broken from the inside out... and I was sure that nothing would ever change that. I was hurt and I was angry. But it seemed to me that I was beginning to pour such an intense passion into my butler, of all things, instead. Such hatred was beginning to twist into an affection that I hadn't been readied for. The intent to kill was slowly being replaced with the intent to kiss, and I was catching myself wondering what would happen if I did not wish this contract to end.

I was beginning to realize how truly foolish I had been.

And I was growing up.

I was born to live like a shooting star; to live brightly and with the intent to move forward until I burned out in the wake of my legacy. What was a legacy? It was planting seeds within a garden I would never get to see... and it pained me to know that I was becoming accustomed to such a thought. Perhaps I was becoming more of a star, now. But I felt like my lungs were closing in, and starts still needed oxygen to stay alight. I felt as though Sebastian was my only source of breath anymore... my only hope for such a light. I suppose that it had always been that way. But stars also needed darkness to be seen, and he was certainly full of enough of that, too.

Sebastian wanted me. He wanted and wanted until I felt there was nothing left of either of us, because without this hatred boiling up inside of me what was I? Afraid, small... lonely? Perhaps I was all of those things. And perhaps I was none of them. But every time those whisper soft lips curved into an unreadable smile I wondered how it would feel if the world's righteous laws didn't exist. How would it feel to burn out? I wondered, because I would, eventually. I would burn out... I knew it.

Halloween passed with no trick nor treat to accompany it, and the chill of winter ended its fluctuations and became obsolete. I had begun the preparations to bring new holiday items to our shelves and please the children. Appropriate confectionaries and toys were being manufactured overseas in America, and contracts were being renewed in the national stores here in Europe. Christmas was coming, and after that it would be a new year; a good one for Funtom, according to the predictions Sebastian had equated for.

This had been different. He had spoken no words with his mouth... no slick tongue, no writing me into pages without end so that he may call me what I am surely not. His kisses had been so soft and so supple... so loving and tender that I almost wished he had bit at me instead. He had been different this time. I had been different. My mind had been so clear. I had held his gaze with much more than just courage or spite alone, because I had wanted to see his face when he came. I had wanted him to see mine. And though I did not know it yet, this would bring about a change which was so slow and so slight that I did not notice it for nearly a year.

He had slept beside me that night; his arms wrapped around me in ways they never had been before, and I was terrified. I did not want this thing to change. I did not begot into this contract with the intent to lose what I had been so furious for. Of course, I was still utterly broken from the inside out... and I was sure that nothing would ever change that. I was hurt and I was angry. But it seemed to me that I was beginning to pour such an intense passion into my butler, of all things, instead. Such hatred was beginning to twist into an affection that I hadn't been readied for. The intent to kill was slowly being replaced with the intent to kiss, and I was catching myself wondering what would happen if I did not wish this contract to end.