Infinite

Chapter 8

It was December fourteenth. I was to turn sixteen... an age I had once though unattainable. Birthdays were never a time for celebration in my mind. To me, it was a day filled with grief and hatred. I did not want to be congratulated, for I felt as if it were a marker of my failure to attain my goal; a goal which only drew nearer with each breath a took... each year I aged.

Sebastian came to dress me.

"Elizabeth will be coming today."

I felt a deep, mourning groan well up inside my throat, yet I held it fast; swallowing the grief I felt for my cousin. It wasn't that I did not love her, for I did, as much as I was able to. Her love was so pure... so deep for me... for a person whom she would never be able to know in full detail. I could not love her in that way. I suppose I could not love anyone in that way... for the only way I knew how to give or revive such affections was so visceral, and so violent that I feared I would not be able to feel it unless it tore me to shreds.

I did not deem myself worthy to guide nor to protect someone of such delicacy as her, and I did not wish to be responsible for another heart breaking. I thought, if I had enough decency never to get close, I would not be granted such an opportunity. The consequence outweighed the reward. I feared, though... that such a dynamic would turn to be a contradiction of its self. If I could not explain to her why I was so distant, and so ruined, how could I prevent her from believing I simply did not want her for the way she was?

But I knew that such an explanation would bare far worse consequences.

A chill ran down my spine as I thought once more of my demon. I feared I wanted him much more than anyone could want anything. Wanting him was an understatement. I needed him. I needed him as the sun needs the moon to rest at night. I needed him as the flowers need the stinging bees and insects to pollinate them and keep them alive. As he would sting me, I welcomed such a wound. Why this was, I nearly could not fathom. It was as if a carnal desire had planted its self deep within me... regarding him, and only him; growing with each shuddering breath... each curve of lip and lilt of limb. Perhaps it was because he was a beast, and I was a small, weak human. Perhaps I needed him to ground me...to remind me of all that was.

I was nothing without him, and I could not tell where we ended and the other began. He was my start, and surely my great undoing. Every glance I stole at him told me that I would not be alive without those eyes, those hands... that mouth. I needed them upon me so that I did not feel this numbness any longer. I needed to feel the sweet relief of justice brought unto those whom did harm to me. He was the only thing that could bring such intense light, and such overwhelming darkness over my soul.

And I welcomed each in turn.

How could I not? When he was the tide which staved away my eventual stillness; a stillness only he was able to bring upon me, now. Nothing else could touch me. Nothing else could harm me. He was all I was, and all I ever would be. I knew this from the moment I summoned him, and I knew that I would never live to regret as long as he would serve me. I looked upon other human souls as pawns... as pieces to a game which I was allotted to manipulate for the better goal. Sebastian was my game master, and every piece in turn. He was both my greatest strength, and my greatest weakness.

And I was sure he knew every bit of it.

"Ah."

Was all I managed to say with a tongue so heavy with thoughts I could not shoo.

"That's hardly an enthused reaction, my lord. I had thought you would be quite happy to hear that she remembered the occasion."

"When have I ever been happy, Sebastian?"