Infinite

Chapter 14

Finally, the excruciating pain left me, and I was met with a dull ache. I felt empty; as if I had expelled everything good and everything evil all at once. It was a violent flurry of emotion, and now I was a hollow vessel. I was so proud... so scared, and so filled with grief and regret.

I felt like nothing.

Somehow, I found my way into the gardens. The wind was slight and gentle, yet it still stung my bleary and swollen eyes. I found my seat on a stone bench far into the maze's depths. I slouched there, wondering what the whole damn point had been. I had been so blinded by anger and fear, that I had not a moment to have the same thought twice. I did not want to die, though I told myself that I would be devoured with pride and dignity... as a true Phantomhive would. Something which I had never valued before, now felt as a monument to each and every pain and pleasure I had ever received. Though this hadn't been a wasteful bargain, I was now wondering what it would have been like to grow old... how would this manor age with time?

Would I be forgotten easily?

I feared that I had not left much behind to be remembered by. I wondered why I cared. I had discard my eyepatch, coat, tie and shoes long ago, and was now in quite the state of undress. I wondered when Sebastian would return.

The Begonia, Blackthorn and Bluebell all bloomed beautifully in the air; their scents wafting up to my dry and stuffy nose. I stood and picked an Anemone, fondling its soft petals with my fingers. I gazed up at the sky; at the rolling clouds and tumbling trees high above. It seemed almost peaceful... the way they swayed and bowed their branches. It was as if they were kneeling to pray before an unseen god. I thought, that if this god was truly there, how frightened should I be? Would he smite me? Perhaps he would forgive my sins... though how was I ought to know of this? I only knew of so many things. That in which I did understand, I understood quite well. I understood that something must change in your mind once you realize that in that moment in which you are staring up at the sky, it is one of the last times you will ever look at the sun again. I sighed in submission. I had not the arrogance to attempt, avoid nor fight the inevitable.

'All is simply the way that it is.'

It would have been naive to decline a decision I had made myself. Though I knew humans were, indeed arrogant... I also knew that there comes a time when one must accept the reality of his situation. My situation, seemed to me appropriate for one of Shakespeare's great tragedies.

Sebastian was going to kill me.

I felt a deep twinge of pain in my chest when I thought about it; as if someone had stabbed me in the gut, then twisted the knife deep inside of me.

'Once the contract is formed, the soul must not enter past the gates of heaven.'

'Do I look like someone who believes in heaven to you?'

I wasn't sure if that was true any longer. What a thoughtless child I had been.

I shook my head, taking my seat upon the slate once more. My gaze feel over the velvet petals of the flower I held between my shaking fingers. I twisted it in my hands, examining each leaf. I found a tiny brown spot on one of its petals; a tainted spool of silk. I began to mindlessly pick at it, attempting to rid it of its imperfection. Then there was a ragged edge where the spot had once been, and that was far more unseemly, I decided... so I concluded that it would feel much better if the whole petal was gone. I gently pulled at it until it came loose; fluttering to the cobblestone as a feather would onto grass. Satisfied with my work, I examined the blossom once more. It was now uneven; painfully obvious that it was missing. I sighed again, trying to choose another petal to pick off to grant the flower its balance back.