Sarah Smiles

Chapter 11

The drive back from London was a quiet one. Lucy sat next to me, wrapped up in a hoody of Spencer’s, sniffing the smell of him. We didn’t talk, which was unusual and although we turned the radio on, we didn’t sing along and after a couple of songs, we turned it off. So many of the songs were some kind of love song and neither of us felt like listening to them. It seems a little melodramatic, but at this moment, we just couldn’t stand it.

I felt so glad I’d taken the day off work. If I’d had to go back into work and face my class today, I’m not sure how I would’ve coped. I wasn’t due back until the next day, so I could relax and spend the evening preparing for work.

When we arrived home, I curled up on the sofa whilst Lucy went into the kitchen. It was in that moment that the reality hit me. I’d met my idol, fallen in love and then had to leave him, all in the space of 5 days. It had been less than a week and my life had been changed forever. After meeting Brendon, I doubt I could ever love another man like that. He lit me up! Lucy handed me a cup of tea and came and sat next to me on the sofa. She leant against me, resting her head on my shoulder.

“Now what?” she asked me quietly.

“I have no idea.”

“What did Brendon say?”

“Not much. He’s going to text me before he leaves. What about Spencer?”

“He told me he’s falling for me.” Lucy said, her voice breaking as she started to cry again.

“Aw babe, don’t worry. He’ll totally be back for you. He’ll never leave you. You should see the way he looks at you!”

“Really? ‘Cos I think I really love him, Sazzle.”

By the time we went to bed, it was quite late. I had to be up early to go to work, as did Lucy, but we’d sat up late talking about Brendon and Spencer and how we were going to try and stay in touch. I knew that Lucy and Spencer would stay together. I had little doubt that he’d visit before the next tour, or that she’d go to him. But I couldn’t be so certain with me and Brendon. I just didn’t want to assume. I knew that girls literally threw themselves at Brendon all the time and I didn’t want to get my heart broken if he turned out to be someone other than who I thought he was. Some would say that made me paranoid, but I’ve been hurt too may times before.

I dreamt of Brendon. I woke up to my alarm going off and for the first time in a while, I wasn’t looking forward to my day. It was like a grey cloud hanging over my head. I showered, thinking about how much I missed Brendon. I ate breakfast, thinking about how much I missed Brendon. I drove to work just thinking about kissing Brendon and it was only when arrived at the school that I shook myself out of it. There was no way I could teach a class with my mind like that.

I go straight to the staff room for a cup of tea when I arrive. I sit quietly in one of the arm chairs while all the other teachers chat. Alison, one of the other teachers, came and sat next to me.

“How was your last minute day off?”

“Interesting.” Was all I could say about. Alison started to fill me in on what I’d missed yesterday. The highlights included the Head Teacher falling over in school assembly and little Michael Davies throwing up all over the school receptionist.  I glanced at the clock, and seeing the time, stood up.

“I need to set up my class room. Supply teachers always move things.” I complain before leaving the staff room. I go to my classroom and make sure I have everything for the day and that my lesson plans are set up within easy reach. Once I’ve done everything, I only have 5 minutes before the kids arrive. I pop quickly to use the bathroom and dash back, propping open the classroom door, waiting the 2 minutes until the 30 children arrive, ready for a long, difficult, heartbreaking day.

By morning break, I’m ready to cry. Amelie almost had me in tears during our History lesson. I’d set the class some group work to do and was sat at my desk, looking through the work they’d done yesterday while I was away. Amelie had left her group and come to stand in front of my desk, looking at me like there was something on my face but she didn’t know what it was. I lent over the front of the desk.

“What’s wrong, Amelie?” I asked, expecting a very odd answer from this bright but odd little girl.

“I’m trying to figure out why you look so sad.” She replied, scrutinising my face.

“Oh.” was the only answer I could think of. Clearly, my act wasn’t working so well.

At the end of the day, once the children had gone home and I’d packed up the classroom, I sat in my car. I felt like crying, but the tears weren’t there. I sat for almost 10 minutes before I started my car.

When I arrived home, I found Lucy on the sofa with her laptop out, skyping with Spencer. I walked past the sofa and heard Spencer call out my name, but I pretended I hadn’t heard. I went into the kitchen and leant against the doorframe.

“I think he thinks once were back home, it’ll be easier. He’s trying to act like he’s okay, but I can tell. He even tried the whole ‘let’s go meet girls’ with Ian, but when they got there, Brendon just couldn’t talk to anyone. Like he’d just lost all his skill to talk to people. I think he’s taking it harder than even he realises. I’m worried. What about Sarah?”

“She hasn’t cried. I think she’s sort of just, given up hope. Did he tell you she said they can meet up next summer for the festivals? She honestly doesn’t think he’ll come back for her before then! She hasn’t even thought of the possibility of going to him. I mean, you’ve already booked my tickets! Why aren’t they doing anything?”

“I don’t know, babe. I’ll try talking to him.”

“Okay. I’ll have a talk with her, too.”

They moved on to another topic of conversation and I got a drink and went to my room. I went online and started watching videos of the boys at shows and doing interviews. Someone had posted a video of Brendon singing that song for me, and us kissing at the end. It was poor quality and you couldn’t hear much, just the screaming. But watching Brendon kissing me , my heart finally broke. The tears came rushing out and I couldn’t breathe properly with the sobs. I must’ve been making some noise because Lucy came rushing in, wrapping her arms around me.

We sat hugging for a long time, until I felt in control again. We didn’t say anything. Eventually, I started to drift off to sleep, so Lucy lay me down on the bed and kissed the top of my head.

“Goodnight, Sazzle. I love you, and I know Brendon does too.” She said, before leaving my room.