Hearts On Fire One Shots

I'm A Mess

She stared out the window, watching the rain wall down outside the window. How it hit against the window and how the tiny rivers of rainwater would make it's way down the window. It had been falling for the whole morning and it didn't look as if it was going to stop any time soon. That was how the weather was like for the past few days.

But no matter how she tried to concentrate on what was going on outside, she couldn't get her mind off him. Him. The one who made her fall in love with everyday, but also feel frustration and anger. They had known each other for sometime now, about four years, and got along quite well. Little did she know when she first met him that she would feel as if she was losing her mind whenever she was around him.

At first glance, he seemed charming, innocent, couldn't hurt a fly. He had that humour that always cracked you up, you could never hold back the laughter. And his laugh. It could be heard from the other side of the world. Maybe that's what made her like him at first.

She soon got to know him. And before long they constantly began talking. She felt herself being pulled in to him. She looked forward to moment she spent with him. It was only when she was lying in bed, late at night and staring in the ceiling, did she thought about in depth about how she felt around him. It was almost as if anytime that she wasn't with him, she would miss his presence. All the things that he said to her were on replay. A precious memory that she couldn't let go of.

Then it clicked. All of this only meant when thing: she really liked him. And that's when the trouble began.

Soon after that she realised that she liked him, she felt that she saw things much differently that before. Something that may have existed before, but only came into her sight now. He started acting differently, almost two faced. One minute, he would be his normal happy self, what she fell for in the first place. But there came a catch.

His other side was much different, almost a different person. He would get awkward and quiet, and even started to ignore her at some points. He soon picked other people over her, leave her in the rust to rot.

For a long time, she was certain that things had ended. They hadn't had talked in months and she couldn't remember the last time he smiled or said hi to her. He was clearly over her and what they had was nothing at all.

But he came back. Out of nowhere. Almost if things were back to normal. But things really weren't.

It was almost as if she'd forgotten how to act around him. She suddenly felt frustrated, nervous, awkward, the loss of words. She felt only one thing: a mess.

Her liking him controlled her so much that her entire body had to react to everything he did and said around her. It felt awful. She couldn't have a normal conversation with him without shaking or stumbling on her words. And to make things worse, he didn't know what on earth was going on. Which she knew that he thought she had lost her mind.

And she really felt like she did. Especially when he would constantly push her away and leave her. When she finally felt that she could control herself again, he would come back, and everything would break down again.

She felt as if she was his last resort to talk to, or hang out with when all of his friends were busy. Maybe that's why he kept coming and going. Constantly keeping her waiting on what he would do next. Even though, she longed to be with him, she didn't want to be that. Tossed in a bundle and only used until everything else was worn out. The minute they were fixed, she'd be back where she started.

She sighed as she brought herself back to reality. It was still raining outside, but did look as if it was starting to clear up. This was only her first notice of this.  That boy really did control every thought of hers.

She had to get over him, but she didn't know how. It was almost as if she couldn't get away from him. He always knew where her next hiding space was. But she couldn't keep letting him win all of the time.

Getting of the window ledge, she made her way to the desk in her bedroom. There, she grabbed a notebook and pen, and then sat on the chair in front of the desk. The moment she opened it and found a clean page, she took her pen and immediately began scribbling her emotions down. It flew out of her. As if it had been stored up in her mind for so long and was finally now making it's way to pen and paper. She was finished a couple of minutes later, dropping her pen with suddenly as she stopped.

She glanced at everything she wrote, taking it all in. Soon after, she nodded her head, as if approving of what she wrote. It was exactly how she felt. How much frustration he caused her. How much she hated the way she reacted to talking to him. How annoying it felt that he always kept her hanging.

How much she felt like a complete mess around him:

I try so hard to ignore it

I try to pretend I don't care

But by the way my heart is pounding

It's impossible to pretend it's not for you

You act so innocent

I know you love to keep me waiting

I'm a mess, around you

There's no way out of this

And you know exactly what you're doing

You know I'm so done

It's not fair, can't stay

But I can't let you go

You know you're so confusing

And I should have already said goodbye

But just when I'm about to lose it

You turn this around and do it to me one more time

I tried to dodge this bullet

But you got me all figured out

I'm a mess, around you

There's no way out of this

And you know exactly what you're doing

You know I'm so done

It's not fair, can't stay

But I can't let you go

You get a little closer to me while you push me away

Pretend you're doin' nothin' make me think I'm insane

You always leave me hanging when we make conversation

I know the things that you just say to me mean absolutely nothing

I'm a mess, around you

There's no way out of this

And you know exactly what you're doing

You know I'm so done

It's not fair, can't stay

But I can't let you go

How could she ever let him go?

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