Panic Station

Chapter 12

Chapter 12

The sky bubbled over with thick, heavy clouds that threatened to pour at any given moment, and as we sat in the safe warmth of the canteen, I watched them swirl menacingly through the window. Dan and Iona had pulled me down onto the wooden bench nearest the radiator, as the chill outside had begun to seep through our clothes during the journey here, gnawing at our frozen bones. 

I allowed my eyes to gently roll over the brightly lit room, only to notice that other than me, there appeared only to be one other person who's mouth remained void of words.

The girl looked lonely; her face cast down staring at her plate, mouth set in a thin, unsmiling line and pretty royal blue hair hanging limp either side of her doe brown eyes. She was sat in a shadowed corner of the room alone, and despite the fact that I knew I could give her no words of comfort, I suddenly found myself on my feet and slowly weaving my way through tables laden with people toward her. 

Upon my arrival at her side, I slid down into the seat opposite,though she didn't look up at me or even appear to acknowledge my presence, instead she merely continued to stare absently down at the pile of vegetables littering her plate. 

I reached out across the table, tentatively finding her hand, before catching her gaze as finally her head bobbed up.

I smiled.

So did she, but it wasn't at all convincing.

"You're probably wondering what I'm so upset about, right?" Emma said, poking a bean around her plate. I thought for a moment; yes, I was because surely you'd be happy that I was staying? Unless of course you didn't want me to and that's why you're upset...

I shrugged. 

"I know it's difficult for you, Phil. Believe me I know exactly how you feel, but not trying to speak is just as bad as giving up all together." Her eyes welled slightly, as though she were about to cry. As though she was on the losing side of a battle waged inside her own mind against dark memories. But then her face cleared of emotion with a few odd blinks, and her lips curved into a light grin. "I don't think you believe me, in fact I could bet every single bean on this plate, carrots too, that you think I'm just trying to make you feel better." 

Again, I shrugged. 

"I'm not." She spoke fiercely, but her words softened as she continued. "I mean, I am trying to make you feel better; both about yourself and just in general. But I need you to understand that you aren't alone in this, Phil. Lots of people have Social Anxiety, and they all feel like it's them against the world, which can be extremely daunting, but I promise you it's not like that at all and that you can beat it if you try hard enough." She then plopped a carrot into her mouth, a mark of finality. 

And that is what intrigued me about this girl. She looked just like any other teenager, maybe slightly heavier on the hair dye, but there was so much more to her than that; she had a wealth of knowledge that only rarely did anyone get to experience, she knew so much about things I couldn't even begin to understand and she did all of it without ever seeking praise or attention, because all she wanted was to help those that she felt needed it. 

However, at the same time as awe, I also felt something darker about her, something secretive and bound by shame. How is it that she came about this expansive intelligence, certainly not from any form of schooling. No, her mind was flooded with a different, and much more special kind of intelligence ... It just worried me somewhat that she wore a smile for the world, and a sad, lonely frown for herself. For when she thinks no one is looking. 

Suddenly, a new voice entered the conversation from behind me, causing me to lurch forward in surprise. 

"Woah, dude. Calm down, man, it's just me." Dan laughed, holding Iona's hand delicately in his. Something in the pit of my stomach began to protest at this sign of affection, but thankfully I hid any discomfort with a shy grin and giggle.

"We were wondering where you went." Iona said, winking at Emma, who in turn flushed a dark crimson. "But in all seriousness, the camp instructor was just telling us that we should go back to our cabins before the rain starts, because apparently it's meant to be a storm this evening and trying to navigate that labyrinth of little wooden bunks would be an nightmare with thick sheets of rain lashing at your face." Her eyes glanced out of the wide window on the far wall, causing an involuntary shudder to ricochet down her spine. 

Dan pulled her closer beside him, wrapping his arm comfortingly around her waist and planting a soft kiss on the top of her head, careful to avoid the several pretty silver clips keeping her golden curls in place and away from her face. 

Nodding, both Emma and I stood and began to follow the couple back across the room and toward the huge, main double-doors leading out into the campsite.

Rumbles of thunder roared above our heads, and as we walked back to mine and Dan's cabin, I felt a gentle warmth slip into my hand. Glancing down, I realized Emma had placed her hand within my own, but was walking a pace slower than the rest of us. 

Slowing to match her pace, my heart thumped painfully fast as she rested her head against my shoulder and clung to my arm for extra heat. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I tried concentrating on anything but her, and how slicked in sweat my palms were surely becoming. 

"I ... I really like you, Phil. I know you probably don't feel the same way, but I just wanted you to know." Emma's whisper caught on the wind and if I hadn't been so close, I wouldn't have heard it at all, it would be lost to the wind forever. 

But I had heard it, and in the few seconds that followed, I had a choice to make; either pull away from her, or grip her hand just that little bit tighter. 

So I steeled myself, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

I listened to her tiny giggle as I laced my fingers with her own...