A Beautiful Mess

Chapter 4

I shot the chancellor without a second thought in order to catch a ride to earth to watch over my sister. I fought three hundred grounders with my bare hands while the door to the drop ship closed behind me. I stood and watched as one of my friends was sacrificed to avenge a debt we didn't owe. I was sent to the mountain as a spy, killing innocent women and children. But none of that weight, none of those moments came close to the pain that hit me when I saw Clarke with someone else.

It felt like a knife had been shoved in my heart. Like someone had ripped it apart, leaving it hanging by enough thread for it to continue beating and keep me alive. I didn't realize how deep I had gotten into the world of Clarke Griffin until that moment, when I walked away from Raven. It was like I had entered a new world.

One I didn't recognize.

I hated Clarke the moment she stood up and told me not to open that door. I hated the way she took charge and thought she was the leader of the hundred. But then, I realized being a leader wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I needed help if I wanted to lead, so I leaned on her. I blamed her for the things that went wrong. Again, things weren't always in our control. We did the best we could.

Out of my hatred came respect. Then slowly, as we spent more time on the ground came friendship. You couldn't lead people without leading each other. Without needing each other and believing in the other. When she said she couldn't lose me too, I knew we were both too important to the group. I never realized how I would echo her words while walking into the gates without her.

I ran my fingers through Aries hair, his little smile easing the ache inside my chest. Maybe this was right, Aries and I together and no one else to hurt us. Maybe I should focus on my son instead of tangling our lives up with someone who had already walked away once. Maybe I needed to find the Bellamy I had been in that drop ship, the one who didn't tolerate feelings and emotions.

Then again I had fought hard to become the man sitting there. I fought tooth and nail to ensure my people safety and a home among the grounders. If I went back to the boy I was, then what was it all for? Changing meant growing, I wanted to grow up. I had grown up, I had become a leader and a father all in the same year. It was easier being the bold faced kid who talked more than he fought. Now that I had put my money where my mouth was, I realized life was harder on the front lines.

No matter how much she hurt me, I still found myself walking to her cabin. As much fun as playing house together had become, I knew I had to end it before I let my son get hurt. I could handle the pain. I was a big boy, but Aries was still a baby. He was still too little to understand why someone would be there and then suddenly bail. I wouldn't let her walk out on my son. Not after he had gotten so attached.

Which gave me two choices. Tell her the truth, or protect my son.

I sighed loudly as I started to rock Aries in the chair as I waited for Clarke to come home. I wasn't sure why I was waiting, I guess I had grown too used to our routine. I had started a fire to warm up the cabin. The days were getting warmer but the nights were still cold. I wrapped him in the fur Clarke had gotten for him last time she took a trip to see the grounders. His little eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful.

I forgot about Clarke and the pain she had caused me as I looked at his little face. The face that resembled mine so much. It was hard to believe he was mine. He looked so innocent, so at ease with his place in my arms. Sure I helped raise Octavia but when she had been this little I could still hand her to my mom whenever things became too much. Instead this baby had no one else. I was his father, he was my son. He would ask me questions one day. He would learn from me, grow with me.

He was everything I never knew I wanted. His shaggy brown hair that fell above his forehead now that Clarke had cut it. His brown eyes that matched mine, sparkled whenever he laughed. He stole my heart the moment he was born. I never wanted it back.