it had been a while since josh and i had first admitting our growing feelings towards one another. since that day, we hadn't talked about them. they were definitely still there, but i think that the fear in both of our hearts was enough to drive the conversation away. at least for now.
a few weeks had passed and new year's had come and passed. it was a rather loud night. we had invited a few of our friends to come and join us. that was where kiara met josh and was instantly charmed. the whole time she smirked at me.
it was now back to normal. or at least semi-normal. i was back to going to work on weekdays and josh disappeared every few days or so. his schedule had no rhythm or consistency at all. and a few days ago, he and tyler left for europe to do a few shows before they take another break.
i was okay with it. i was used to him leaving already. the only thing that bothered me was the quiet. the old silence had returned and my only company now was valek, who had taken a liking to eating way more than he was supposed to.
kiara was too busy between work, finishing her last semester in college, and my brother to visit me regularly. lately, besides my cat, my only companion was several seasons of parks and rec. not that i was complaining. it was occasionally nice to have a few days to myself.
"hey buddy," i smiled when valek hopped up on the couch and curled up beside me. my hand brushed over his fur as i returned to watching tv. in the last few weeks, my life had changed a lot more than i had expected to. suddenly, being alone didn't feel so normal anymore. it felt like i had so much time on my hands and nothing to do with it.
my phone started ringing beside me, my sister's name flashing across the screen. that was unexpected. my siblings and i rarely contacted each other, and when we did it was most likely important. so i clicked answer and held the phone to my ear.
"hello?" i asked, pausing the tv so i could listen.
"cara?" brianna said through the phone.
"hey," i said awkwardly, "why did you call?"
"don't be too alarmed, but mom's in the hospital."
my heart froze. "she-what do you mean?"
"it's nothing too serious," she replied. "but since she's living alone, the doctor wants someone to come look after her for a while so she won't have to be stuck there instead. they wanted to send a nurse with her, but you know how mom gets. and since you're the closest, i told them you would do it."
anger welled up within me. "so you thought just because i'm the only one out of all of you that didn't treat her like complete shit, it would be okay for me to just drop everything to go and look after her because that makes it my responsibility?"
"yes. she gets discharged in four days, so you might want to pack your bags." i could practically hear the venomous smirk in her voice. she knew that i would do it because nobody else would, and i would put my life on hold just for the sake of someone else who shouldn't have been a top priority.
i hung up, leaving myself to dwell in my own, angry thoughts.
-
i had a suitcase laid across the bed, opened and waiting to be packed up. but as i sat on the chair across from it, staring at it, i couldn't bring myself to do it.
josh leaving for a few days or weeks at a time was one thing, but me moving hours and hours away for who knew how many months was a completely other thing. it upset me because i knew i had to grow up and do it, but i at least needed more time. and time was one thing i didn't have.
selfishly, i thought only about josh and what would come out of this. besides kiara, he was the only person i had become close with ever since i moved to ohio from my home state of colorado. tyler and i had become good acquaintances, but that was pretty much it.
by now, i was practically glaring at the suitcase, my heart heavy in my chest. i reminded myself that this was only temporary, but as i got up from my seat and started taking clothes from my closet, it didn't feel like it was.
-
"i'm gonna miss you," kiara murmured, clinging on to me tight even though she would be seeing me in a few days, along with chris, to drop off my car and check in. my brother trailed behind us, chuckling at how she refused to let me go. i wasn't taking a flight, there was no need to make this rushed, but i didn't want her to see my tears when they finally fell down my cheeks.
"i'll miss you too," i replied, rubbing her back a little before letting go. chris gave me another short hug.
"i promise to look after her as best i can," he whispered jokingly, looking back at kiara who was viciously wiping tears from her eyes with her sleeve.
"take care of yourself too, yeah?" i gave him a soft smile. he nodded, and we all exchanged our last goodbyes before i climbed into the driver's seat of the moving truck i rented.
as i drove away, i looked back in the rear-view mirror at the couple who hugged and then got into their own vehicle to drive away. i looked back at the house i wondered when or if i would return to, and to josh's that seemed to already be haunting me because of what i had just done.
tomorrow, when i arrived in denver, i would pick up my mother from the hospital, drive back to the house that we would share for the time being, and wait until she fell asleep to let myself fall apart as i turned my phone off so there would be no texts or calls from josh. because tomorrow, he would come back from europe with tyler and wonder why i wasn't picking up because we hadn't seen each other in a week and i was always waiting for him at his house when he got back with take out.
then, he would go over to my house and unlock it with the spare key i left under the stairs and find it empty of everything except some of the furniture and extra things i didn't need. i didn't want to see the devastation on his face or the cracking of his voice when he realized that i had vanished, all traces of my life in ohio gone. because i couldn't find it in me to face him, or call, or text, so i did the only thing i could think to do. i disappeared, just like he did for all those years.
as the 'leaving columbus' sign appeared on the side of the road, i finally let the tears fall down my face. i didn't wipe them away, i just kept driving with my hands on the steering wheel. reaching over, i stroked valek's already sleeping form on the seat next to me.
today, i was a coward, and tomorrow, i would learn how to live with myself.
A/N: yikes i'm sorry
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boy in black {josh dun}
Fanfiction"you are my everything good in the world," i mumbled to my boy in black. cara scott had caught glimpses of her neighbor since she moved in-running to greet his friend in his yard, the lights he didn't turn off at night and hearing his loud music unt...
