boy in black {josh dun}

eighteen

soon after josh's call, the last of the snow melted on the ground and the sun grew hotter as flowers and plants bloomed. as february passed, march began with a trip to the emergency room at two in the morning. my mother had gotten worse, and the whole month was full of checkups and days constantly spent inside.

when march turned into april and the checkups stopped, i found a part-time job at a floral shop, but only after i was reassured by my mother a million times that she would be okay alone for a few hours for a few days a week.

i had a lot of time to myself during all of it to think about everything that my mother had said, about how when things get hard, you work it out. the truth was that i didn't think that we could ever work it out. i had dug a hole for myself so deep that all i saw above me was an endless fog. every phone call sent to voicemail, every text left unanswered became so consistent that all i could do was keep digging.

i loved josh, more than i ever wanted to admit to myself. i loved him, and i was destroying him. i knew that i was never good at commitment, never good at making decisions or thinking things out rationally, and over the past few years i tried getting better at that. the person i used to be wasn't the person that i wanted to become again, yet i felt myself inching closer and closer over that edge, that darkness and issues i wanted to bury.

maybe coming here to my mother was good for me because i had a lot of time to think things out, but it wasn't good that i hurt a person, people, i loved. it wasn't okay and i was such a coward that i didn't want to own up to it.

april turned into may and may turned into june, and my mother had no more accidents. she was improving, doing pretty much everything on her own. as much as i didn't want to admit it to myself, she didn't need my help anymore. i wasn't quite ready to leave yet.

"hey sunshine," my mother smiled as she walked into the living room where i sat, watching yet another episode of game of thrones.

"hey mom," i smiled back, watching her sit down next to me before returning to the tv screen. i was upset that it was too hot to curl up under the blankets, but i still held my favorite mug of hot chocolate in my hands.

"so i was thinking that i should go pick up a few groceries, maybe get some cake mix and frosting so we can make cupcakes later, even though its a bit late, yeah?" she suggested a few minutes later, right after daenerys took the city of meereen and freed the slaves. i nodded and mumbled an agreement.

that was how it was. sometime in the day, when i wasn't working, my mother would join me on the couch and we'd have a light conversation before i returned to my show, or she got up and left to do small errands. then, after i decided that i'd had enough of sitting around on the couch, i'd get up and take a walk.

god, i was so tired of taking walks and sitting on the couch all day.

while i was changing the episode, i saw her frown at me in my peripheral vision and turned, giving her a questioning look.

"why are you looking at me like that?"

"i was just wondering to myself," she shrugged.

"about what?" i raised an eyebrow, setting down the remote so she knew she had my full attention.

"if you'd like to go on a trip or not," she hummed. my mother grabbed my feet and slid them over so my legs were across her lap in a more comfortable position.

"a trip?" i asked.

"a trip," she confirmed.

"to where, exactly?"

-

i slammed the door closed, swallowing the lump in my throat and taking off down the paved sidewalk. i was upset, furious even, that my mother would go as far as she just did, and i needed time to cool off.