boy in black {josh dun}

twenty

i waited silently, picking at my nails in a weak attempt to calm the anxiety rising inside of me. i told myself over and over that i wouldn't play the victim because i wasn't. everyone knew who the victim was in this situation, and i was the farthest thing from it. there was no excuse for my actions, no take backs, but hope moved like a shadow through my body. i needed this help.

suddenly, there were four loud, rapid knocks  on the door, causing me to jump from the bed and hurry to the door. i stood up on my toes to look into the peephole. kiara was standing there, giving me a kind of somber happiness as i stepped back and opened the door, a sad smile on my face. 

for a moment, neither of us knew what to say. were casual greetings okay? should we hug, or go sit down, something? awkward tension filled the air surrounding us.

"i'm glad you came," i said softly, stepping back so that she could step inside. i closed the door behind me, and we made our way to the small couch next to the bed.

kiara sighed as she sat down. "it's been a long time, hasn't it?"

my chest tightened when i nodded. it had been too long, things were familiar, but they were much different, too. we both seemed to be much different, especially after our last conversation.

"i guess we should get straight to it then. tell me everything leading up to you leaving."

we settled in on the couch, and i took a deep breath. this was the first time i would be telling anyone of this.

"as you know, the past few years, josh had been gone a lot. well, more recently, he'd be gone for a few days, sometimes even a week. it wasn't that bad being alone, but there was all of this doubt. you know me, the issues that i've had. so when i got the call, it was like all of those doubts come to life."

"what call, cara?" kiara asked, keeping her voice soft.

"it was from brianna, calling to tell me that my mother was in the hospital, and when she went home, she needed somebody to take care of her. i was the only one that would, of course, because everyone else made shitty excuses. four days, she said, i had four days to pack up and be in colorado for who knew how long. it felt like manipulation, what she had done, and she knew it worked."

"i didn't have enough time, and time was what i needed. i realized i would have to leave before josh came home. i'd stare at my suitcase and i'd wished everything was different. i knew in my heart that everything was about to change. i didn't know the extent of what josh felt for me. i doubted them, and i doubted myself. the moment i decided to do what i did, i didn't know. i didn't know he'd come straight home, especially after getting no sleep the night before, and end up knocking on your door because he couldn't find me. i didn't know that it would affect him this much."

"i didn't know, okay? and by the time that i realized that i was more than i convinced myself i was to him, it was way too late. i couldn't home home, anyways, and for a while my mother got worse. the only thing i focused on for at least two months was her. i didn't allow myself to think of him anything other than happy, either. and you know the rest."

kiara groaned, putting her face in her hands. "fuck, this is gonna be really hard to try and make better." she lifted her head. "i definitely 100% do not agree with what you did, but yes, i know where you're coming from with those thoughts. even when you were with josh, did you ever think about finally getting help for it?"

"no," i shook my head, " i didn't think it was that bad. it wasn't really there when i was with josh, but it was harder for me when he left again than i thought it was going to be, and somewhere along the way, it got really bad. i wanna get help though, kiara, i wanna try and get better. i know i don't deserve him, and i know i probably don't deserve to be happy, either, but i can't keep destroying other people's lives."