Double life

Chapter 18

What do you do when you feel broken on the inside? Do you find a special glue to fix your heart, to back the pieces?

I know what I did, the only thing I had left. I called Tyler, my best friend, the only person in this world capable to pick me up and put me back together.

He panicked once he heard my voice but I understood him, I couldn't recognize it either. I sounded so different; you could almost hear my pain. He was here a couple of hours after my call, his backpack on his shoulders and take-away coffee with donuts in his hands. It was inevitable to not break down again once I saw him in my doorway.

"What happened dummy, you scared the life out of me! I know you wanted to see me but next time try not to get me to almost shit my pants, okay?" Tyler was being his typical self, funny and sarcastic. Two of the many reasons I love him so much. I ran into his embrace almost causing him to fall on his back. I was holding him for my dear life because what I was feeling inside right was killing me.

"Ty...Thank you for coming. I didn't know what else to do. I don't even know where to start. Scratch that, I don't want to talk right now." I was talking fast as if someone was chasing me but in reality it was just me beating myself up for letting things turn that badly.

"Oh I know what happened and I'll make sure to leave dead bodies on my way out!" This time I could tell he wasn't joking, he may not kill him but he'll make sure he suffers as much as I did. But the problem was - I knew he was in pain too; he couldn't have possibly faked loving me. I knew him that much.

"Ty, please, you're not killing anyone, okay? Things are bad as they are. Let's just sit and do something." I was the devastated and sad one but still I had to calm him down. I swear, only Tyler could do that kind thing.

"Or do nothing! I swear computer science is killing me! This is an awful occasion but I still appreciate being away for a while."

We made ourselves comfy on my bed and I just put my head on his shoulder.

"This shit is too much for anyone, I swear! My boyfriend just found out that I was cheating on him from the start with his best friend who happens to be my neighbor too. It's not quite over yet, that guy has a girlfriend who is also my first friend here. And to make matters worse, it is not just a fling! We love each other but we are shit people! Oh and he chose to stay with my friend, too. Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! I won worst girlfriend, worst fake girlfriend and worst friend award in one day! " Even though I was mocking myself, I started crying at the end. No matter how ironical my story is - because I obviously did it to myself - I still didn't feel any better. I hurt Alfie and I pushed Jack away.

I still couldn't stop replaying this moment in my head. The way I yelled at Jack to get out and the look on his face when he did indeed leave. The pain in my heart, the suffering of watching him leave. It all played in my head on replay.

"I'm going to stop you right there! It takes two to play this game. Jack fell in love too, he cheated too. So it's not entirely your fault! Stop beating yourself up, it's not going to change anything! What is done is done, Nat. You tell me that every time I fuck up but you can't apply this in your case?" He was right, I was the best at giving inspirational speeches, I could probably inspire an alcoholic to stop drinking but when I came to me, I just couldn't apply my own rules to my situation.

"But I feel so bad about Alfie and Liza, don't you see?" I muttered quietly, still trying to stop those damn tears from falling.

"I get it, okay? You feel bad about them getting hurt in the way. But did you kill someone? No, you just fell in love and maybe it wasn't in the right time, but you did. Love happens like this, unexpected."

"Wow, did you lie to me that you're studying science but instead you took philosophy?" We both laughed at this because he wasn't usually the one to speak wisely. I always had to stop him from doing yet again something stupid. And serious relationships were absolutely not his forte, every one of his exes could confirm for me.

"Hey, don't judge! You were always the wise one. Now it's my turn! Damn, it feels good to be right for once in my life!" He was such an idiot but I love him nonetheless, he came for me when I know no one else would.

"No judging today, promise. But seriously Ty, I don't know what I'm supposed to do without him now. And he lives two doors away! I just want to stay sad in my bed forever!" I was whining and even though I felt a little better thanks to Tyler, I knew that he couldn't stay forever to protect me from whatever was coming next for me.

"So what? You switch dorms and problem solved or at least one of them." He was eating peacefully his donut while speaking which was disgusting by the way.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I should change my dorm building! That would be the first step." The first step of a million steps program, I added to myself. I knew forgetting Jack wouldn't be a walk in the park, he gave me so much to remember; he made me feel so special, loved. Now that I thought about it, I was scared that maybe no one would ever love me like that again. That I wouldn't be able to feel all those beautiful thing ever again.

"Dress up, don't stand like this. And God forbid you get lost in your thoughts! This is not allowed today or tomorrow. Let's just say for a while!" I mustered a small smile, he cared about me so much and he knew exactly what I needed. This was why I got dressed and went out of my dorm, without any objections; it would be useless anyway.

On our way to the elevator we saw two girls who held the door for us. Tyler thanked them while I was looking down; I knew I should have put some makeup so I didn't scare people away! Before we got in, I heard that the girls were discussing YouTube and when the door closed they started talking about the last thing I wanted to hear.

"Did you read JacksGap last tweet? Omg I'm going to die!" Girl 1 screeched shaking Girl 2' shoulders.

"Omg I know, this can't be happening! Not before I had the chance to make him fall for me!" Girl 2 snapped, Girl 1 just tapped her shoulder. What were they talking about? I could feel Ty's eyes on me, checking how I was holding up. I just nodded to let him know I was fine even though I was everything but fine!

When we finally got out of what appeared to be the longest elevator ride in my life, I went straight to the door to take some air. It was just too much, too many things pointed back to him, it would be impossible to move on! Before I could decide against it, I got my phone out of my pocket and I slide down my notification bar to see his tweet and immediately regretted it.

"We have a big announcement for you guys! Finn and I will be leaving Uni to focus on our interests in making YouTube videos and travelling!"