Hungry

Thin? What is the meaning? Will i ever stop being so self conscious? Will i ever stop hating myself? So many questions swirled in my mind all the while i was in my bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. I had just gone through another miserable night of purging and binge eating. My eyes were rimmed in tears as i thought about these things but i couldn't force myself enough to wipe them away. Even with my knowledge of the fact if one tear was to fall they would be endless and never stop. The thought made me hate myself more, i wiped the tears away and thought about how weak i was for crying. I knew that being thin and beautiful would be worth every damned night of my life, to be thin would be everything even if i am defeated now along the way i will soon be among those of other girls who are beautiful, it only took some time.

I'm Devon, I'm 14, of course I'm emo and I'm also bi. Ive been stuck on this diet since i was 12 apparently stuck on the only hope of being beautiful. There are times where i will go weeks with out eating but ill still purge every night and the nights i do eat, well id purge even more. I never check my weight only for fear of breaking the scale and i have been called fat so many times and even the times someone says i look good for a moment, only a moment, i feel a little happy a small smile sometimes even creeps on my face and then disappears when i realise their only trying to make me feel better about myself and give me a quick self-esteem boost. But they soon realise it doesn't work and give up.

It is true I'm a slave to my reflection. Trying to be something, someone that i just cant reach. every time i look at myself i see hatred in my eyes and i can fake a believable smile to everyone except myself. I am broken and weak and always hiding, no one knows the secrets about myself that i know. Cutting is a sweet release that i do often, living a poor life style my dad doesn't notice anything but how could he? Hes abusive and constantly drunk and my mother walked out on us, on me, cause she couldn't handle it any more i was 4 and she said shed come back for me. I haven't seen her since the day she left leaving with nothing but what she was wearing and a couple other outfits but my dad thought she had taken it all since i took the rest of it and hid it so he wouldn't burn it all.

Ive been so alone since then she was my best friend, the only one who understood me, now shes gone and everyone else wouldn't even begin to compare to the trust we once had, that is now broken and dissolved. One day, one day i will be able to leave to, and i wont look back. Ive finally grown out to fit into her cloths and shoes and just in time because id had no more other than the stuff that she'd left behind, along with me.