Rage and Love

Rage and Love Chapter 9 <3 (Pic of Travy)

For the next week everything seemed pretty normal. Normal for a 17 year old girl who has a newborn. Normal for a girl who has to survive in the bathroom of her boyfriend's murderer. Normal for me at least.

Everyday, I would breastfeed Travy, sing him to sleep, and played with him. We would look out the small bathroom window and show him the beautiful meadow that surrounded the junky house. I would explain to him that the world is much more than this dumpy bathroom, this trashy house, or even the beautiful meadows. He seemed to always be smiling and sparkling his beautiful green eyes, the ones his daddy gave him.

Amber started to help me take care of Travy. She seemed to have an interest in him. Or she was sick of his constant crying on his first few days. She bought me diapers, clothes, and even a few toys for him to play with. Every time I would get sleepy, Amber would happly take him in her arms while I sleeped. I don't know what made me, but I trusted her. I knew she wouldn't do anything to harm him. She was becoming my friend.

Tyler didn't bother me since Travy was born. He walked in on me breastfeeding and I shooed him out as he smirked. I didn't feel comfortable with him here. Luckily he never bothered me.

At night, when Travy and I were alone, I would tell him about his daddy.

"Daddy was an amazing guy. He was always there for me. He loved Mommy very much. He loves you too, Travy. Daddy had to leave though. He is watching us in Heaven. One day you can meet him." I would whisper to him.

Then we would pray together. We would pray for our freedom. We would pray for my mother. We would pray for Travis up in Heaven.

On one chilly December 6th sunday, one day before Travy's one week birthday, he seemed more tense than usual.

"What's wrong, baby boy?" I asked him.

He squirmed and began breathing hard, like on his first few days.

"Travy? It's ok. Mommy's here." I whispered.

Amber was out selling drugs so she was no help at the moment.

He slowly drifted to sleep. He must've been ok. He sleeps really well. His little hands were held on tight to my finger. I held him tight and rested my eyes. I had trained myself not to fall asleep while holding him, because I knew I had to protect him. After about an hour of his sleeping, I looked down in my arms. His hand was slowly letting my finger. He seemed to be not as tense. Was this normal?

"Travy?" I whispered as I slowly kissed his nose.

Nothing.

"Travy." I said a litle louder. No movement.

"Travy? Mommy is right here." I said.

I slowly brought my hand to his forehead. I gasped. It felt cold. The same coldness that Travis felt like at his funeral. But Travy was usually warm. Why was he-?

"Travy!" I almost yelled as I shook him gently, but enough to wake up any baby.

"Travy! Wake up! Please!" I yelled, almost crying.

Why wasn't he waking up?!

I put my ear to his chest to listen and feel for a heartbeat. Nothing.

"TRAVY!" I screamed.

My baby wasn't alive. My baby wasn't living. He was DEAD.

I didn't know what to do. I gently put his body down and backed away slowly. I fell to my knees and screamed and cried. I stared at his lifeless body. This is the second body of my loved one I've seen in the past month.

In pure rage and anger, I looked at the ceiling. Travis was on his cloud, with his green halo. His eyes were red, like he were crying. He still looked aboslutly perfect.

"HE TOOK MY BABY FROM ME! YOU TOLD ME EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO TURN OUT OK! YOU LIED! MY BABY IS DEAD!!!!!" I screamed at him.

"I know Ashy...I...." He said, choking on his own tears.

I sobbed and screamed.

"Everything IS going to be ok. I know things seem like Hell, but remember. God has his plan." He told me gently.

"WELL I HATE HIS PLAN!" I screamed. He took the love of my life, my baby, and he took everything. Everything that mattered to me.

Amber walked in on that emotional moment. Her small smile fadded when she saw me, and turned into a look of horror when she saw Travy's body.

"What..." She gasped.

I sobbed even more.

"SDS." She murmered.

I gave her a confused look.

"Sudden Death Syndrom. It's unfortunately popular with newborns that are born too early like he was." She said quietly.

I couldn't take it anymore. I screamed and sobbed. Amber made an attempt to hug me and I tried to hug back.

Why was this all happening at once?! Why?! Travis is gone. Travy is gone. Even if I only knew Travy for 6 days, I loved him as much as I loved Travis. He loved me too. And now he was gone.

Amber slowly backed away and walked outside the bathroom. She walked back with a woven basket. It had a big handle and had soft blankets inside.

"I use this to carry my weed when I'm out... But I don't need it anymore."

She walked over to where the little body was. His little jaw was slightly opened, and his eyes looked glued shut. His little hands, which usually held on to my finger, were lying next to him, lifeless. Like the rest of him was.  

Amber gently placed him in the basket and covered him with the blanket. Right before she covered his face, she traced his cheek with the back of her finger. She then walked back to me, who was kneeling on the floor.

"Say goodnight." Amber simply said sadly.

I took a deep breath.

"I only knew you for 6 days, but we had a special connection, baby." I whispered stroking his cheek. "Just remember, Mommy loves you. She always will. I'll see you one day, though. I'll watch you grow. I'll play games with you, teach you how to read, color with you..." I said, slightly smiling, remembering all the ideas I had to get to know my baby as he grew up. "Your with Daddy now, darling Travy. God has you now."

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