[Namjoon]
I was laying on my bed, staring up at my damp, dusty ceiling. I tried to collect my thoughts, wondering if what had happened only a few hours ago was real.
'Do I like Jin?'
I could kind of guess that he liked me back, yet I couldn't figure out how. We had hardly had any real conversations, only really meeting a few weeks ago. I sighed, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.
There were so many thoughts in my head that I doubted I would be able to fall asleep. Slowly, I climbed out of bed and walked into my bathroom. It was a stormy night and I could hear the rain pattering against the window, wind whistling through the cracks. I stared at my image in the mirror as it stared back at me.
I looked tired and worn out, bags under my eyes, sickly pale skin. I looked worried and, in my opinion, just plain ugly. I didn't know why I looked so wrecked but I did know that at that moment I felt so alone, and all I wanted was someone to be there with me, even if they said nothing.
I thought briefly about going to Jin, and a large part of me really wanted to be in his arms. But an even larger part told me that I would annoy him, that I still had a reputation to hold up. I splashed my face with warm water and trudged back to my bed, my feet feeling as if they weighed 100 tons.
I laid there, on my broken mattress, finally questioning what I was doing with my life, asking myself why I liked Jin when he was too good for me. I curled into a ball, cold from the air that was drifting into my room, but too tired to pull the covers up over my body.
I listened intently to the sound of the rain, trying to find a pattern that I could focus on, something that would distract me until I fell asleep.
But I couldn't find anything, leading me to cry myself to sleep for the first time in years.
--
much sadness
