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Bye Bye Birdie

Week 12, Day 6:

The Phoenix bird stopped chirping. They spent a few days in the infirmary but then they were finally sent home or to some sort of hospital, I'm not exactly sure. I've been avoiding Amy at all costs but we still sleep in the same room seeing as it wouldn't be right for me to be sleeping in the boys building. I enter the room as late as possible and get straight into bed then when morning comes I get up at the crack of dawn and let Amy sleep. Avoiding contact with her hasn't been as hard as I expected. At one point, I was tempted to talk to her, ask what was going through her mind, but I'm afraid that might make things worse.

I wish Phoe were here but I talked to the nurse and she said they might be back after winter break and that thought makes me smile. There's only seven weeks until midterms and one week after that is the beginning of winter break. I can't wait to go home and see my friends. My dad is supposed to go skiing in Colorado when I come down so he won't be a problem.

It's finally Friday and I think it's safe to say this has been the longest and most eventful week of my life. I don't think my weekend will consist of much more than hiding out in the Junter dorm.

The alarm on my phone blares annoying nature sounds and I shut it off before it can wake Amy. Grabbing my clothes I set out from last night, I run into the bathroom. Showering quickly, I try to ignore the red stains that lay on the bottom of the bathtub and let the hot water run over my body. I hop into my skinny jeans, pull a grey turtleneck over my head and slip on my converse and head out the door.

"Clare," Amy calls out. I don't turn around. "Clare, please. I'm sorry," She chokes out. Now I turn around. Amy is lying in her bed, blankets pulled up to her chin. Her eyes are red and puffy and I find it hard to believe that she's been crying.

"What are you sorry about, Amy?" I snap. "It's your fault, you created this mess and sorry isn't going to fix anything."

Her bottom lip quivers. "I didn't know what I was doing! I'm scared."

"Of what? Is the big bad wolf coming to get you?" I mock.

"What is Phoenix tells someone?" She whispers.

"Then you're screwed," If I have any sympathy for her, it's not shown in my voice.

"What happened to you?" Her swollen eyes narrow. "You were so sweet and naïve when you came here, so what changed?"
"I grew up." I grab my backpack from off the floor and stomp out the door, making sure to slam it on my way.

Thoughts flood through my mind as I'm running to the Writing House. At first they're recent – Amy saying sorry and the blood on the ground, the day at the beach and my first day of school at StoneBrook – but then they gradually get older. My thoughts reach Middle School, the days when no one talked to me or even looked my way. Elementary School, my best friend Shaun and I racing on our bikes when I accidentally ran over his foot and he decided he never wanted to talk to me again. The video. My father hitting my mother. The video. My birthday, December 31st, 1998. The video.

Snow is littering the ground in fast flurries and I can see every breath I take. I try and swipe at the smoke that's coming out of my mouth but I can't help but breathe. I can't help but breathe. My heart won't stop beating, my eyes won't stop seeing. My heart stops beating, for a moment.

I'm in class ten minutes early and Mr. Lewis isn't even in the room yet. I pull out my notebook and start writing down ramble poetry as quickly as I can. I finish as soon as the first people walk in. I rip the paper out and crumble it into a ball, aiming at the trash. I pause, and I unravel it and smooth it. Pushing it into the Tartarus of my backpack, I mentally recite it.

Every breath you take makes my heart feel numb

I feel your spirit, it's lighter than a feather

You're so alive

you give me life

you are my heart that won't stop beating, my eyes that won't stop seeing

you're my everything and I see you everywhere

it's like I have some radar, or sixth sense, and I can tell when you're near

you have more baggage than an airport but that doesn't stop you

you're the snow littering the ground in flurries and you'll never melt away

you are my mouth that won't stop moving, my hands that won't stop typing

you're here to stay

a picture of eternal light

I'm here no more than a day

You're here forever

you are my tears that won't stop falling, my feet that won't stop running

I've tried time and time again to write a love poem

To write about you

Alas, I have failed more than a dozen times

My mind cannot comprehend your beauty,

Inside and out

you are my life I can't stop living, my lungs that won't stop breathing

you are water and I am fire

I destroy, you corrode

I can burn, you will heal

A beautiful sparkling mess, you are

You are my mind that won't shut up, my ears that won't stop listening

There's one thing you aren't

You aren't mine

And that's probably the worst part of all

You are my heart that will never stop beating, my eyes that will never stop seeing

I run it through my head until it's memorized and burned into my skull. Class began thirty minutes ago and I'm sure Mr. Lewis noticed I wasn't paying attention, I just think everyone is afraid I might start screaming and clawing my eyes out. I take a deep breath and try to pay attention but the words become a jumbled mess. The end of class bell can't ring soon enough. Even though I've been sleeping relatively well, I can't shake the feeling of sleep of my shoulders.

I drag myself to the dance room and ignore Alex and her constant grumbling about how her stupid boyfriend forgot about their anniversary. I give her a small nod every now and again and I think I even manage a small smile but I'm sure it looks more like a grimace. Eventually, she gets the message and leaves me to talk to some girl with shimmering blonde hair tied up in a perfect bun.

Science and math class go even more slowly and I'm about ready to bash my head into a wall when the bell rings. I race out of class, avoiding bumping into anyone. I skip lunch and hide in a corner of the Writing House and head to English when the bell rings.

Hunter is waiting for me outside when class ends. "Hey you," I smile half-heartedly.

"Hey babe, I missed you." He kisses my cheek.

"It's been three hours," I point out.

"I'll never have enough of you."

"Love you,"

"I love you more,"

I don't reply even though I know it probably hurts him. Whatever, we've known each other for a dozen weeks, he'll get over himself. I can almost hear the sadness infused in his breathing, but I may just be paranoid.