Is It Hate OR Love? Jodha Akbar

Chapter 15

After hearing Jodha's agony, 'Jalal felt sudden heartache; instead of feeling cheerful, he felt restless. He always thought that she could not forgive him for his past deed, but her problem is worse than he ever imagined. Jodha is running away from her own feelings. She wants to possess my love for herself only, and she knows that I will never be able to give her that, so she decided never to accept me. As he recalled her wording, he rolled his hand through his hair frustratingly. She loves me, but she hates being my queen. Does she really feel like she is trapped in a confined? Does she feel suffocated with me? I guess she would rather be happy being a Rajvanshi, probably with Surya. She thinks her friend Leela is more fortunate than her; she envies her. What the hell; she is a queen of Hindustan, and that's not enough for her. I can't believe that she desires to have her life, and she still curses her destiny.' Jalal bitterly muttered silently.

A chain of mixed thoughts was running through his mind.

He deeply sighed. 'I was waiting to confess her love for me for so long, but now after hearing it, why it feels so shallow? I don't know much about love, but one thing for sure, she doesn't love me. Why don't I feel as happy as I should?? Does she really love me? Or it's just she thinks that she loves me? Why she put herself into conditions? If she loves me, then why she can't accept me with who am I? Every second we spend together is precious for me, but apparently not for her.'

He smirked bitterly at his confusion. 'He had never visualized even in his dream that she loves him so much and to this extent of possessiveness, and it bothers her that he has so many women in his life. Isn't it just an excuse to avoid me?'

He tried to give reasons to her thinking, 'Probably she feels this way because we are from different cultures, which is why I never thought from her point of view. I never realized that she dreamed of having a husband who has only one queen. What she wishes and demands are more than I can give. I have to fulfill my responsibilities towards other queens. Somewhat I feel her love for me is calculative and conditional.

I hope one day, she could read my underlying emotions for her. I will never admit that she is significantly more important in my life, perhaps more than queen Rukaiya. Certain feelings do not require words to express them; you have to feel them. The day you understand my unspoken words, your fears will disappear. Jodha, your love for me has probably not grown deep enough to understand me. How could you possibly think that I wanted you only for one night? Why are you so unsecured? Can't you see in my eyes? Can't you read my unspoken words? Can't you feel your tears shatter me?

I guess I am elated because at least you think that you love me, but at the same time, I am hurt to hear this bitterness.

Jalal was confused and was having mixed thoughts. On one side, he did understand her pain and was happy to know that she loves him so much, but on the other side, he was upset that she doesn't trust him and she doesn't like being his wife.

Abdul's arrival sidetracked Jalal when he was deeply lost in his chain of thoughts when he was standing by the window.

Seeing Jalal's lost and puzzled face, Abdul worriedly asked, "Shahenshah, Is everything good?"

Jalal masked his inner turmoil and took Abdul to the other corner of the chamber so Abdul cannot hear Jodha and Lila's continued conversation. Jalal inquired further about the security and other arrangements for their journey towards Agra. He was concerned since Jodha was going to travel with him back to Agra, and they had only twenty Soldiers with them.

"Yes, Shahenshah, everything is secured, and I have arranged for the entire journey." Abdul skimmed at Jalal again; he immediately understood something was bothering Jalal. They were childhood friends, and Jalal always shared his personal feelings with him.