Inside My Mind: An ADHD Journal

"And now let's go hand in hand..." A Thank You, a Goodbye, an Ending.

12 February 2016

Hello again and, I believe, for the final time,

I want to make clear before I go further that this will, unequivocally, be the last post I make to this journal. The  only reason I am choosing to bid farewell is my own need for clean breaks (with all things in my life, I have desired and always will desire a neat an tidy end, whether I get that every time is usually out of my control, but this time, at least I have control). I have noticed a great deal of activity on this recently and I felt the need to add my two cents to this before  I laid it to rest for good. Before I dive into what will surely be more than just two cents, I want to say thank you to everyone who has read this and gotten something from it. It was many things for me at different points in my life and I hope it was something for you, too.

I began writing this, I think, when I was fourteen or fifteen. It's been some time since then as I am twenty and much altered from the girl who wrote these journals. Still, I can't help but smile at my antics as a kid and appreciate the kind of time capsule this is for me. So seldom do I dare to revisit the products of my youth, but this time, I'm glad I did. I generally avoid things I wrote when I was younger because of this sense of pride I have. I'd rather not remember all the growing pains that lead to the things I'm proud of now, they're crude and lack a certain eloquence but I still respect them  for the stepping stones that they are. These entries are unpolished and certainly rife with mistakes and I cringe a little at my youthful tendencies to embellish. Regardless, I find them helpful in realizing what I came from and what I still intend to be.

As I write this, I am holed up in my room (the temperature has reached an inexcusable low of 3 degrees) in an apartment at Pennsylvania State University. I am an undergraduate studying English Literature and European History with a focus on Modernism and the Great Wars period. My major is a blend of my two passions. As I plan to focus on literature that came as a result of the two world wars, a paring with the history of that time period seemed only logical. After I graduate, I plan to earn my Masters in English from the University of Washington. My plan to move across the country is, if not for the program at the university, a need to go where my muse is longing to take me. In other words, my planned relocation is out of a desire to write frivolous little unpublished stories in Seattle simply because I feel I would be more free to create there. It's silly and impulsive and quite honestly, exactly what I need.

My plans after that involve finding a teaching position back in Pennsylvania where I can work on a doctorate and build a steady life. I believe the fifteen year old that began writing this would cringe at my apparent "composure" and possession of a future plan in the first place. I also believe she might cringe at me as a whole, too. I've cut my hair so it rests in a messy asymmetrical pixie cut, I've died it red on a whim and a need for a change, I've pierced my ears about five times more than I ever said I would, I wear dresses and sweaters and floral tights, I am a self professed romantic and I adore seafood. All of these are things I have distinct memories about denouncing in some way or another when I was little. I've changed a lot since I was fifteen.  Whether or not the younger me would approve, I don't care. I'm proud of where I am, and that's all that matters in the end.

Looking back on past entries, I see now that  this was never simply a telling of my day to day dealings with the struggles and triumphs of ADHD, it was an escape from my insecurities about it and a cry for companionship from others going through the same thing I was. I never saw that as I wrote it, but several years of distance makes these things clear as day.

I want you all to know that I still struggle with ADHD. While some children grow out of it, others don't. I don't know if I will, but there is good evidence to support that I never will. My brother and father have adult ADHD, or at the very least, never grew out of their diagnosis. I have my theories as to why some do and don't but I feel it rude to explain so I'll leave it as it is.

My point is that I have come to understand how my ADHD functions and how my medication allows me to function. When I was younger it was all very new to me, but now my ADHD tendencies are like familiar habits to me regardless of whether or not I like those habits. I am increasingly unorganized and frequently paranoid, I am a perfectionist in some things and an absolute slob in others.  I can get singularly focused on one inane (or important) thing (usually a book) and forget the rest of the world around me. I am cold, impassive, and focused with my medication and impulsive without it.  I cope with lists and friends and more than one call home per day for the reassurance from my mother that my teeth are indeed NOT falling out of my mouth (this, my friends, is my paranoia). After a consult with my psychologist (we're good friends now which is a testament to how neurotic I can be), I've learned that that little quirk of mine is a manifestation of my stress and homesickness. I've resolved to leave that where it is and inspect the obscurities of my mind at a MUCH later date.

Even though I still live with and cope with ADHD, I have grown up, I've matured. I eat my vegetables (occasionally, and generally only when one of my roommates cook), I confront my problems head on even when I'd rather not, and I enjoy the pursuit of learning. My taste in literature has matured, Vonnegut, Rand, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Joyce, Ginsburg, Eliot and DeLillo all line my shelves (among many, many many more). My music tastes have taken a turn for the eclectic with Glam Rock, Punk, Classical, Alternative and Irish Folk all taking up their own little bits of space in my phone. I've moved on from anime (for good) and appreciate a good gritty mob drama or a medical thriller. I work as a circulation assistant at a local public library, I continue to fence and cycle, although those pursuits are reserved for exercise purposes only now, and I manage my own finances (what little of them there is to manage).

To leave you with some food for thought, I'll say this: In whatever you set your mind to do, do it with as much passion as you have breath in your lungs. Don't, for an instant, lean on ADHD (or any other thing) as an excuse for your own fear of greatness. Be reckless when you must. Let your hair down, dance with a crowd of strangers at a concert, jump in without testing the waters, allow yourself the opportunity to make mistakes. In all my life, the greatest lessons I've learned have been the ones that hurt the most to learn and the ones that I learned because I made a mistake. Those lessons truly MATTER to me, they are the ones I poured my blood, sweat and tears into learning. Even though I am telling you to be reckless, it is not an invitation to be self destructive. NEVER treat your life with so little concern that you forsake the gifts you were born with and fought to develop. Be reckless but don't be daft. Know your limits and draw your lines. Stick to your beliefs and your morals even when it is hard. Don't follow for following's sake, make your own decisions and make them with a clear, rational mind. Respect the lines others have drawn AND the ones that you have drawn.

Finally, dream. Dream BIG. Dream bigger than you know you will ever achieve because it reminds you not to grow complacent. Dream of something unreachable and reach for it always so that you remember never to settle for what you think you deserve. Know your worth, know your potential and LIVE UP TO IT, EXCEED IT. You are worth everything and you have the potential to be anything. Do not forget that. You may have ADHD but it is not a definition of you, it is not a wall to limit you, it is not a problem with you. It is a part of you, own it, understand it, and appreciate what it gives to you and what it forces you to realize. It (whatever "it" is for you) will never be easy. It is not supposed to be. But it will be worth the effort and the work you put into it.

I rarely mention my ADHD to those who  do not already know about it. I am not ashamed of it or afraid of it. I just never feel the need to tell them. It isn't something that I allow to alter how others think of me. If they know or not, nothing changes. I equate telling someone of my ADHD to telling someone of my need for glasses. It is something about me that is different from others around me, sure, but it is not something that will ever be granted the ability to alter how someone perceives me. If it does, then I ought not tell them I'm not naturally a redhead for fear they may hold my individuality against me. To clarify what I'm trying to say: own your ADHD in your own way, but NEVER allow someone to define you by it. It isn't a bad thing or a good thing much in the same way the color of your hair isn't a bad thing or a good thing. It is a part of you.

Thank you again for reading this. Take from it what you will, as I have taken from it things I will always be grateful for. I wish you all the best in whatever it is you are doing or you are going to do.

Kathryn.