After // ziall

Chapter 33

As we reach the table Zayn lets go of my wrist and pulls out the chair for me to sit down. I feel like my wrist is literally burning from his touch, I rub my fingers over it and he grabs the chair next to me and scoots it across the concrete to sit directly in front of me. His chair is so close that his knees are almost touching me.

"What could you possibly want to talk about Zayn?" I ask him in the harshest tone I can muster.

He takes a deep breath and pulls his beanie off again and sets it on the table. I watch as his fingers run through his hair and he looks into my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He says and I look away and focus on the large tree in the backyard. 
"Did you hear me?" He asks and leans in.

"Yea I heard you." I snap. He is crazier than I thought if he thinks he can just say sorry and I will forget about the horrible things he continues to do to me on an almost daily basis.

"You're so damned difficult to deal with." He says and sits back on his chair. The bottle I tossed into the yard is in his hand and he takes another drink. How is he not passed out from drinking so much?

"I am difficult? You have to be kidding me! What do you expect me to do Zayn? You are cruel to me, so cruel." I say and pull my bottom lip between my teeth. Iwill not cry in front of him. Noah has never made me cry, we have been in a few fights over the years but I have never been upset enought to cry.

"I don't mean to me." His voice is quiet.

"Yes you do and you know it. You do it pruposely. I have never been treated this poorly by anyone in my life." I bite my lip harder, I can feel the knot in my throat. If I cry he wins, that's what he wants.

"Then why do you keep coming around? Why not just give up?"

"If I... I don't know but I can assure you after tonight I am not going to. I am going to drop literature and take it next semester," I say. I hadn't planned on doing that until now but it is exactly what I should do.

"Don't, please don't do that."

"Why would you care? You wouldn't want to be forced to be around someone as pathetic as me right?" My blood is boiling. If I knew what to say to hurt him as bad as he always hurts me I would.

"I didn't mean that. I am the pathetic one."I release my lip from my teeth and my mouth falls open.

"Well I won't argue with that." I say and he takes another drink. I reach for the bottle and he pulls it away. "So you're the only one who can drink?" I ask and a small smile appears on his face. The patio light shines off of his eyebrow ring as he hands me the bottle.

"I thought you were going to toss it again." He says and I put the bottle to my lips. The liquor is warm and tastes like burnt licorice dipped into rubbing alcohol. I gag and Zayn chuckles.

"How often do you drink?" I ask him. I need to get back to being angry with him after he answers.

"Before tonight it has been about six months." His eyes fall to the floor like he is ashamed.

"Well, you shouldn't drink anymore. It makes you an even worse person than usual." 

"You think I am a bad person?" His tone is serious. Is he that drunk that he would ever conside himself a good person?

"Yes." I breath.

"I'm not. Well maybe I am. I want you to...." He stops.

"You want me to what?" I have to know what he was going to say. I hand him back the bottle and he sets in on the table. I don't want to drink, that one drink was bad enough and I already have terrible judgement around Zayn as it is.

"Nothing." He tells me and I know he is lying.

Why am I even here? Noah is back in my room waiting for me and here I am wasting even more time on Zayn.

"I should go." I say and stand up.

"Don't go." My feet stop in their tracks at the pleading tone in his voice. I turn around and he is less than a foot away from me.

"Why not? Do you have more insults to throw in my face?" I shout and turn away from him. I feel his hand wrap around my arm and he jerks me back.

"Don't turn your back on me!" He shouts even louder than I did.

"I should have turned my back on you a long time ago!" I scream and push against his chest. "I don't know why I am even here! I came all the way here the second Liam called me! I left my boyfriend who like you said is the only one who can stand to be around me, to come here for you! You know what? You're right Zayn, I am pathetic. I am pathetic for coming here, I am pathetic for even trying.." I am cut off by his lips against mine.

I push at his chest to stop him but he doesn't budge. Every part of me wants to kiss him back but I stop myself. I feel his tongue trying to pry its way in between my lips and he wraps his arms around me pulling me closer to him despite me continuing to push against him. It's no use, he is stronger than me.

"Kiss me Niall." He says aiganst my lips.

I shake my head and he grunts in frustration.

"Please, just kiss me. I need you." His words unravel me. This indecent, drunken, terrible man just said he needs me and somehow it sounds like poetry to my ears. Zayn is like a drug to me, even if I take the tiniest bit of him, I crave more and more. He consumes my thoughts and invades my dreams. 

The second my lips part his mouth is on mine again, this time I don't resist. I can't. I know this isn't the answer to my problems and I am just digging myself deeper but that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is his words "I need you". Could Zayn possibly need me the way I desperately need him? I doubt it but for right now I pretend that he does. He brings one of his hands to cup my cheek and he runs his tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and he smiles, his lip ring tickling the corner of my mouth. I hear a rustling noise and pull away. He lets me stop the kiss but he keeps his arms wrapped tightly around me, his body pressed against mine. I look towards the back door and pray that Liam didn't witness my terrible lapse of judgment. I don't see him, thank god.

"Zayn, I really have to go. We can't keep doing this, it's not good for either of us." I tell him and look down.

"Yes we can." He says and lifts my chin up, forcing me to look into his brown eyes.

"No, we can't. You hate me and I don't want to be your punching bag anymore. You confuse me. One minute you're telling me how much you can't stand me or you're humiliating me after my most intimate experience." He opens his mouth to interrupt me and I put my finger against his pink lips and continue. "Then the next minute you are kissing me and telling me you need me. I don't like who I am when I am with you and I hate the way I feel after you say terrible things to me."

"Who are you when you are with me?" He asks.

"Someone I don't want to be, someone who cheats on their boyfriend and cries constantly." I explain

"You know who I think you are when you are with me?" He runs his thumb along my jawline and I try to stay focused.

"Who?"

"Yourself. I think this is the real you, you're just too busy caring what everyone else thinks about you to realize it." He sounds so honest and sure of his answer that I take a second to really think about his words. "And I know what I did to you after I gave you a handjob." He notices my scowl and continues, "sorry.. after our experience was wrong. I felt terrible after you got out of my car."

"I doubt that." I snap, remembering how much I cried that night.

"It's true, I swear it. I know you think I am a bad person.. but you make me.." Why does he always stop? 

"Finish that sentence or I am leaving." I tell him and mean it.

"You.. you make me want to be good, for you... I want to be good for you, Ni."