The clinic is clean. Clean and white. I sit by myself in a corner. The girl behind the desk is clicking away at the keyboard. The woman across from me is sitting with a woman who seems to be about the same age.
"First time?" she asks. I nod, blushing. She gets up and walks across the room to sit by me.
"It's not hard," she says, "you don't feel anything."
"Does the baby?" I squeak. The woman laughs.
"Who cares?" she chuckles, "you're getting rid of it anyway."
"How many times have you..."
"Had an abortion?" she ponders this for a moment before looking at her friend, "Bev! How many times we been here?"
"This'll be the sixth," Bev replies without looking up from her magazine.
"Time flies," the woman laughs. I feel like I'm going to vomit. The woman pats my hand sympathetically.
"Really, you'll be fine," she says, "just get rid of it and get on with your life. You're young, noone will judge you. Hell! Most people won't know!"
"Charlotte?" a nurse calls. The woman nods to me and walks off down the hall with Bev.
"Won't be long dear," the nurse says. I nod and stare down at my lap. I'm doing this for me, I tell myself. Not for Darren. Not for mum. For me. I don't want this baby. I don't.
"Amber?"
I look up at the nurse. She's smiling gently at me. I stand up and follow her down the hall to a doctors office. The doctor motions for me to sit down.
"Now, the proceedure is quite simple," he says, waving at the nurse. She hurries out of the room.
"We'll give you a pill and then we'll scrap out your uterus," he continues, "it sounds scary, but it's easy as winking."
I nod numbly. The nurse returns with a small cup with a white pill in it and a glass of water.
"Here you are," she says cheerfully. I take both cups and shake the pill into one hand. As I raise it to my lips I notice a photo on the doctor's desk.
"Who're they?" II ask, pointing at it. It's a picture of him with two young children.
"They're my kids," he says. I stare at the picture for another moment.
"Do you love them?" I ask.
"Of course," he replies. I nod and put down the cups.
"I love my baby too," I say, standing up.
"They were planned!" the doctor cries, "this is entirely different."
"There's a difference between unplanned and unwanted," I reply coolly, "I didn't plan my baby, but I want it."
I walk out to the waiting room. Bev is sitting there. She looks up as I walk through.
"You'll regret it," she calls as the door swings shut.
I walk home through the park. There's a cool, pleasant wind that smells like flowers. I run my hand over my stomach.
"You're safe," I whisper. I hesitate at Darren's road. I'd told him I'd decided to have an abortion. I should go and see him and tell him I've changed my mind.
I walk a few blocks to his house and knock on the door.
"Is Darren here?" I ask when his mother answers the door. She shakes her head, frowning slightly.
"Thanks," I reply, backing down the path. I walk through town to my place. When I open the door I hear mum talking in the lounge room.
"Mum?" I call.
"Amber?"
I hear Darren's voice with a jolt of shock.
"Darren?" I ask, running into the dining room.
"Oh, Amber!" Mum cries, leaping up, "we didn't expect you for hours. How did it go?"
"It didn't," I reply, looking at Darren, "I couldn't go through with it."
"Thank God," Darren sighs, running his fingers through his hair.
"What?"
"I... I guess I was so freaked out I hadn't thought," he replies, "I don't want this baby, but that does mean it has to die. We can put it up for adoption."
"No, we can't," I shake my head, "I want it."
"Sweetie, adoption is-"
"Not an option," I interrupt mum, realising I haven't spoken to her in months and now I'm back to normal. I guess acceptance is the first step to recovery. Mum and Darren exchange a look.
"Well, don't expect me to do anything," Darren warns. I roll my eyes.
"Darren," I sigh, "I don't trust you. I don't like you. I don't love you. You're in my life because you keep appearing in it. If you want to go, go."
"And, if I don't?" he challenges.
"Then stay," I shrug. He nods and hesitates before crossing the space between us and hugging me. I let him, but don't respond.
"Well, it was nice meeting you," he says to mum, "bye Am."
I watch him walk down the hall and out the front door. Mum puts her hand on my shoulder.
"That's my grandchild's father?"
"Yep."
"He's a good guy."
"Nope."
"You love him."
"No- Ye- Nope."
She laughs quietly.
"That wasn't a question, honey."
I smile at her and walk upstairs to my bedroom. I sit down in the middle of the floor and pull a box out from under my bed. Inside it is a collection of my treasures. Things that I've had for years, and... Out of my pocket I pull the ultrasound print of the two, perfect feet. I place it carefully in the box. It now contains things I've had for years and months. The most precious things in my life. Things I wouldn't give up for anything or anyone.
Not even myself
