I'm Half the Man I Wanted to Be

I'm Half the Man I Wanted to Be (Part One)

     Josh sighed as he tried to concentrate on the song he was working on, but he was finding it extremely hard. His thoughts and feelings had finally caught up with him. No amount of Coke Zero or calming music or talking to his long time girlfriend, Amanda, on the phone could shake this feeling he had. He let out another sigh and let his head fall to the desk he was sitting at with a gentle thud.

      "Josh?" A small knock at the door startled him. He turned around to see none other than his best friend Matt pushing open the door slowly. Fuck, he thought, why did it have to be you? "Amanda called me, saying you were here and that you were having a difficult time writing something. She figured I could maybe help?" Yeah, totally. Maybe if you weren't the one completely consuming my thoughts, Josh thought, trying not to roll his eyes at himself.

      "Uh, yeah sure, take a seat," Josh said, his voice sounding strange and Matt noticed right away that something had to be wrong. Tilting his head to the side a bit, Matt found a rolling chair and pulled it up to the desk next to Josh. Matt looked at Josh, trying to make bright blue eyes meet his soft brown.

      "Josh, you alright? You seem a bit... off." Matt knew he didn't have to beat around the bush when asking Josh what was wrong, but sometimes he couldn't help it. They'd been best friends since high school, and Matt was there for Josh through everything. If you couldn't call that close, then Matt didn't know the meaning of the word.

      "Huh? Oh. Yeah. Of course. What made you ask?" Josh said quickly, snapping back to reality. You're such a bad liar, thought Matt, don't you know by now how well I know you?

      "Josh, something's definitely off. I can tell. So please, save us both the trouble and tell me?" Matt still couldn't help but notice that Josh was completely avoiding eye contact. Josh let out a sad sigh.

      "Matt, honestly, I don't think you really want to know. Can we just leave it at that?" Josh's words just made Matt more impatient. Josh looked at Matt's face and saw the worry and confusion, but still avoided his eyes. Josh didn't want to spill. But he knew Matt was trying to help, and that almost hurt too much to bear.

      "Josh, please..." Matt sighed. "At least look at me?" Josh shook his head, but looked at him anyway. Matt gently grabbed his face in his hands and looked him in the eyes, forcing Josh to look back. "Josh, I really hate seeing you like this. Please. Tell me? You know you can. I won't tell anyone or anything of the sort. Even though, you should already know that by now. You know, without me telling you." Josh nodded a couple times and sighed before speaking.

      "But I shouldn't feel this way. This isn't how things are supposed to go. We're not - I'm not supposed to feel this way. It's just all so confusing," Josh said, shaking his head again. He had no idea if he was even making sense right now. He wasn't sure how to get any of this out in the open without making every single detail about his -- and maybe Matt's -- life awkward.

      "That doesn't really help me know what's wrong. What way shouldn't you feel? What's happening? You're starting to scare me," Matt said, a thin layer of worry covering his voice. He ruffled his hair a bit and looked at Josh, waiting for words. Josh took a deep breath, better get it out now.

      "I.. Fuck, man. I think I might.. I mean. Shit. How do I say this..." He ran a hand through his hair, looking at Matt and letting out a sigh, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I think I'm.. in love with you.. actually, I am. I have been. For quite some time now." He nodded once and let out another sigh of relief as he thought, that was actually easier than I thought. Wow.

      "I - I don't know what to say..." Matt looked at Josh, then down at the floor. "I mean, I'd be lying if I said you weren't the most attractive guy I've ever met. And well, to be honest, I've gotten closer to you than anyone else. Even Nicole.." Josh looked surprised at Matt's confession, feeling his cheeks go a little red. Then he realized the name Matt had said.

      Josh's face fell. He was so wrapped up in the fact he finally got that off his chest that he'd almost completely forgotten about the girls.