I'm Half the Man I Wanted to Be

I'm Half the Man I Wanted to Be (Part Two)

     Matt rolled over on his side as he laid in the hotel bed, looking at the clock on the beside table. It read 2a.m. He sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get any sleep. It was just yesterday that his best friend had told him he was in love with him, and they hadn't really talked since. As soon as Josh told him, Matt replied, then Josh hurried out of the room. He hadn't heard from the singer and it worried him beyond belief. He did know his hotel room number though, and figured he'd still be awake. So he half willingly dragged himself out of bed, accepting the fact that he wouldn't be able to sleep until they properly talked about this.

     He pulled a shirt over his head and slipped his shoes on as he grabbed his key card to shove in his pocket before walking out the door. Luckily, Josh's room was just a few doors down the hall. Matt knocked on it softly, part of him hoping he'd actually be asleep, but the better part knowing he wouldn't be.

     "Who is it?" Josh looked over at the door from the chair by the window that he was sitting in, a bit confused. Who could be knocking at my door at this time?

     "It's me, Matt." He was barely audible through the thick door, but Josh could hear anyway. He sighed as he stood up from his chair, walking over to the door slowly, pretty sure he knew exactly why he was here.

     "Hey," Josh offered as he opened the door for Matt to walk in. He looked at his best friend, wanting to laugh at how ridiculously messy his hair was, but knew it wasn't the right time for that.

     "Hey Josh," Matt sighed. "I'm sorry to bug you, but I couldn't sleep. I tried. But I really think we need to talk. About yesterday." He bit at his lip nervously and looked up at Josh.

     "I think you're right," Josh said quietly and nodded, looking back at Matt. The older man walked over to the bed and motioned for the younger man to follow. After he did, Josh looked over at him again, opening his mouth to speak. "I'm really sorry if I made anything awkward-"

     Matt put up his hand, signing for Josh to stop talking. "Josh, don't you dare apologize for anything, alright? I've thought about this pretty much all night last night and tonight. It's been bugging me since you told me, but never apologize for how you feel. Okay?" Josh nodded and looked down, twiddling his fingers. He had no idea of what to do or say.

     "Okay. I won't." Then he remembered something, "Well, since I can't apologize and you know how I feel, can I ask how you feel?" It was almost a trap that the guitarist had set himself in. The truth was, Matt knew exactly how he felt, but he didn't know how to get it out. So he just went with partial truth and hoped for the best.

     Matt took a deep breath before speaking, "I'm going to be honest with you, alright?" Josh nodded, impatient as he looked at his best friend. Another deep breath, "I have no idea how I feel about this. I mean, I love Nicole. I don't want to hurt her. Or you, for that matter." Matt sighed, looking up at Josh and seeing a tiny bit of hurt in his bright blue eyes. He lifted his hand from his lap to rest it on the singer's cheek, hopefully comforting him, if only a little. "That doesn't mean no, Josh. It just means I need to think. Okay?"

     Josh nodded, "I know what it means, Matty. I just don't know what to do in the meantime. Do I just wait for you to think it over? What am I meant to do?" Matt half smiled at the use of his pet name. No one besides Josh dared call him Matty, and no one else could. When Josh called him that, he instantly felt that everything would be fine. It was hard to explain, so he guessed it was just a best friend thing.

    "Well, what do you want to do? I mean, we're on tour, so it's not like you have a ton of free time. And there's still Amanda.." Josh looked down at the mention of his girlfriend. He still didn't know how to deal with that situation. Like Matt, he had no intention of hurting her, but he still found himself wanting Matt more. He saw Matt more and spent more time with him. Also, he already started feeling Amanda and himself drift away. They had less to talk about and more silences. That never happened when he was around his best friend. He didn't only want him for convenience, though. There was so, so much more. Matt made him feel something that no one else ever could, and he knew he just couldn't ignore that any longer.

     "I know. I need to figure out what to do there.." Josh said, falling back onto the bed as he let out a frustrated sigh.

     "Well.. Are you going to stay with her until I figure it out?" Matt questioned, almost hopeful that the answer would be no. Why was he so hopeful? He was the one that didn't have things sorted out. He shouldn't be hopeful for anything like this until he was able to tell Josh the truth.

     "Honestly, whether whatever this may turn into works out or not, I'll probably end it.." Josh nodded, moving his arms so he could prop himself up to look at Matt. "We've been together for so long and.. I don't know. We're falling apart anyway. I mean, I do love her. Just.. We're not how we used to be and it'd probably be best to just end it now instead of prolonging the inevitable."

     Matt gave a small nod and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in, a bit happy about the news. Why the fuck are you happy? he thought to himself, your best friend is breaking up with his girlfriend to be with you, but you can't even tell him how happy that makes you. You shouldn't be fucking happy about that. "Are you sure that's really what you want to do?" He sighed, knowing Josh's answer before it left his lips.

     "Matt, I'm sure. Like I said, you're not the only reason I'm doing this. A big part of it, yes, but not the whole reason." Josh nodded and Matt nodded back at him. As he looked away, Josh took the opportunity to observe him. It's obvious why I love him really, he thought to himself, I don't see how anyone couldn't see it.

     "Well, if you're absolutely sure, then I guess there's no reason or way to stop you."

     "Not like you could really do anything to convince me not to, Matty. I'm a big boy, you know. I can make my own decisions."

     "Hardly," Matt snorted, which in response got a playful punch in the arm from Josh.

     "You shut your mouth, your sass is not needed here." Matt just simply turned around to stick his tongue out at Josh. Which just provoked the singer to stick his tongue back out at him, wiggling his tongue ring at his best friend. They both laughed for a bit before the room grew quiet again.

     "Well, I guess I should probably go now," Matt stated as he stood up, looking over at the clock, which now read 2:34a.m. Had it really been that little time? He felt like he'd been there forever, not just half an hour.

     "Oh. Right," Josh replied, a bit disappointed. "That'd probably be a good idea. Go try to get some sleep." He nodded, standing up as well. "I'll uh, walk you to the door."

     "Yeah, thanks," Matt gave Josh a smile before they both walked to the door, stopping right in front of it. "I'll see you tomorrow."

     "Alright," Josh nodded a bit, hating the awkwardness between them at the moment. "See you tomorrow, Matty."

     Matt gave Josh another half smile before walking back down the hall. The singer watched him walk back to his room before sighing and shutting the door.

     Neither of them got any sleep that night, anyway.