Big Black Book of Ex's

The Break Through.

So after being burned by a shorter list (compared to some) I decided to completely give up on Love.

I was going to focus on me. Which was something that I hadn't done for a while. Why should I waste my time dwelling on boys don't even love or respect me?  So I cut my losses with most of them, especially Josh, and gave up.

You know the idea of living as a crazy cat lady doesn't sound so bad. So I will never get married, Big deal. While others are spending 12,000 on a Wedding, I will be saving it and buying myself a nice little farm filled with animals.  I won't have some idiot trying to pull me down, I can let my hair down and have myself some fun.

You know nothing says "Fuck you" to a Guy like a Girl going out and having some fun.

Maybe I should mistreat the guys?

Why shouldn't I be the ones leading them down the garden path and then trampling over their feelings?

I am sick of being pushed and treated like someones punching bag (metaphorically speaking.) 

Why should anyone be subjected to this kind of behaviour.  It's not as if we are asking for much, We want someone who is kind, respects us and If he is easy on the eye, then that is an extra bonus.  I think that the problem mainly is me, not because I have done something to upset them, but because I will not give them what they want. I wanted a Good man and a Good lover, but in order to be a good lover in those shit-bags eyes, I had to fuck the living shit out of them. 

I realised this a while ago, I should have known. 

It was a break through. 

I shall tell you the story of how I came to this horrifying realisation. 

I was sitting chatting to my friend Craig. He and I used to date when we were teenagers, but I ended the relationship because I thought that he was extreamly Immature. We agreed to be friends and have been Best friends ever since.  Anyway, we were talking about our Ex partners. I had been curious about something that was niggling me.  I wanted to know if something that one of my ex's had done was wrong.  He looked extreamly disgusted when I told him what she had done.

When Beth and I were dating, she had started being dismissive about my personal feelings and had started to be extreamly selfish with her own. We were kissing, making out and had dey sex. However there was one day that I just didn't want to have Dry sex. So I asked her to stop,but she didn't and to make matters worse,

she turned around and said:

"I can't, I am too far gone."

I at the time was completely confused, but she was on top of me, plus biologically she was a man, so I could not fight her off.  At the time I couldn't do anything, she was supposed to be my lover, but after that each time, I felt violated.

Craig turned around and looked at me and said.

"Remember, My dad is a retired Policeman. You could press charges for sexual assault."

I then shook my head. I then explained to him that there would be no way that it would stand in court. I didn't report it when it happened, so I would just looked like some embittered Ex who was trying to screw with her life. Plus I was kissing her beforehand so I would have to deal with the "Slut- Shamming" in the "Rape Culture".

Craig and I continued to argue for Ten minuets straight about it.  I do not want this to escalate any further, I just wanted to know if it was wrong. I will never press charges because I know my case would never stand strongly in court.

This was the reason that I couldn't move on. That horrific event. Then it hit me, I need to leave this country.