(reality strikes)

viii.

It fucking hurts. The pain, the betrayal. Is that what I'm feeling? Or is it anxiety and depression? Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe it's all here to mock me. Mock how dumb I am. How stupid I was to think anything would be okay from me. The past is brought up in my thoughts. The way I didn't really have friends. The feeling of not knowing who to talk to so I kept it all in. Spoke to no one and stay silent. I beginning to wonder if I'll always be like this. Beginning to believe that I should go back to that quiet kid with no friends. Because really? Is it worth it? Is it worth it always getting that feeling in my chest that I'm always meant to be alone? Alone. A word I hated but welcomed so much. Still believe I'm better off alone. Pity. That's what I am. Used and welcome back because they know I always be here. I'm wrapped around their fingers but to them I'm just recyclable. But who cares? Do I even care? All I feel is pain and it saddens me that I could never hold my own. I could never stand up for myself. But the one time I do, I'm labeled a "little bitch" and my head is stuck up my ass. Or even that I think too highly of myself and that I'm a control freak. These are the reason I hold it all in. The reasons I'm staying quiet. The reasons I'm taking on so much so I can get away. Away. Away from here and from them. I'm better off to just alone because in the end, we all know they don't need me. I'm the person who never gets it through their head that they aren't worth it. Yet again, I hope things will change. I'm breaking. Slowly breaking and I'm hurting. How long will I last?