and then you left // cth

chapter 38: choke hold

calum

Days pass before I can even get out of bed again. The time passes slowly, and the only way I even know that time is passing is due to the sun shining into my eyes, through my closed curtains each morning. The light is too bright and it starts out each day horribly, automatically.

Time stopped when I left her, when I left Seattle.

The sun's brightness is no match for my exhaustion, my depression. And so, each morning I go back to sleep right as the rest of the world is waking up around me.

I should have stayed. If only I would have stayed, then things would never have gotten this bad.

Sleeping seems to be the only thing that has kept me alive for the past few months. That and the memory of Lex telling me she loved me. But that can't be true anymore, despite her saying it. There is no way anyone could love me after what I did, after leaving her for so long with no warning, no goodbye.

I even blocked her phone number.

I've overslept to the point that waking up no longer serves any purpose. My dreams are more vivid than real life, and more favorable because no matter what I do in them, it doesn't matter. I can't hurt anyone in my dreams, except myself.

Every once in a while, there is a knocking at my door. My phone used to ring too, but I silenced it. I ignore the knocking and eventually it goes away. I know it's one of the boys- probably Ashton. He thinks that he's all special and everything since he knows what I did, but it's probably just more reason for him to baby me. Babying people is what he likes to do, and he'll take any excuse to do it.

I don't see a reason for Luke to ever talk to me again. He thinks he's so smart and so much better than me because he is hanging out with Alexis. But he doesn't know her, only I know her. And I know her well enough to know that she is not letting him in nearly as much as he thinks she is.

Luke was so worried about me for so long. It was annoying. But now, he never calls or texts. I imagine that his phone is only being used to contact Lex, and thinking about that leaves a dirty taste in my mouth.

The knocking starts up again. I ignore it. It goes away.

I hear the rain hitting my rooftop, dripping slowly. And I remember how much Lex loves the rain. When the weather predicted rain and everyone else fled indoors, she'd grab my hand and pull me out the door, insisting that we go on an adventure.

She was so spontaneous, and I loved her for it.

And it is with the rain falling onto the roof above me, and the clouds covering the sky and my mind, that I realize what I have to do.

My feet carry me to the door, and I am careful not to get my hopes up.

"What do you want?" I ask quietly before I even look up to see who it is. My gaze lifts up and I see Luke standing there, at my door. My heart sinks as I realize it isn't Lex. I didn't even know I thought it was going to be her until I see the boy I used to call my best friend.

He is wearing the same goddamn thing he's always wearing; black skinny jeans and a red checked flannel. When he first started wearing the outfit, it looked good on him. We said it made him look like a rock star. But then he started wearing it too much, and now it's just fucking annoying and makes it look like he's trying to hard.

I used to have a similar flannel, but I let Lex borrow it on a cold day and she never gave it back. I wonder if she still wears it. I hope she does.

"I need to talk to you," Luke starts pacing, walking back and fourth on my deck. And because the sun is too bright and my skin isn't used to the heat, I let him inside.

I watch from the foyer as he walks inside my apartment, and takes a seat on my leather sofa. He sits where Alexis sat just a few days ago, and this fact that he isn't even aware of makes my blood boil. My breathing gets heavier, but before I can open my mouth, he stands up and starts pacing around the room.

Anxiety is not nearly as beautiful as the media makes it out to be. Anxiety is ugly, as ugly as something can be. It makes people do things they don't want to do, and become people they do not want to be.

"What's up?" I ask bitterly, in attempt to shut off my toxic mind. And then I remember seeing Alexis sitting between his legs as he taught her to play guitar on that first night I saw her here.

My legs make their way to the fridge, and I watch uncontrollably as my limb hand reaches for a beer. It seems this body is not my own, as I watch my hand open the can and I feel half the drink going into my stomach. It's almost like I'm watching myself in third person, like I am not myself.

Luke continues to pace as I walk back to my bedroom, bringing my beer to my bed and sitting down, covering my legs with the blankets. She loves blankets, and I had put extras on the bed for her the other night. I don't think I'll ever take them off.

Before I can even begin to process anything, Luke follows me into the room. I watch as he notices the mess, and I pray to God that he notices all of the traces of her in this room. If he doesn't recognize her bracelet sitting on my dresser, or her favorite gel pen sitting on my nightstand, he doesn't deserve her.

Because he continues to say nothing, I drink the rest of my beer in silence. But then it does nothing for the void inside of me, and so I open my mouth to ask him to bring me another one. But he beats me to it.

"I'm in love with Alex," he blurts out.

This would have affected me differently to start with if he had used her real name. But because I do not know anybody named Alex, this sentence means nothing to me. Until it does mean something.

And then this body that is not mine, that I have no control over, it's on him. And I can't stop it. I can't stop myself as I hold Luke against the wall by the neck. I'm not even sure if I would want to stop if I could.

He yelps as I pin him against the wall, and though he is taller than me, his muscle is no match for my anger.

"What the fuck did you just say to me, Luke?" I nearly growl in his ear. He grimaces as I hold his neck with my hand, fear in his eyes.

"Calum! What the fuck?" he says, and then I squeeze him tighter until he can't talk anymore.

After that, I don't remember much too clearly. The world seems to fade as my vision blurs, and my mind clears for the first time in months.

I later find out that this is because I fell unconscious.

Finally, some peace and quiet.
...
here's a shitty filler because i've run out of prewritten chapters to edit, so this is now all completely new content! yay?
i'm currently super stressed because i have finals coming up next week and i work a whole bunch, but i'm trying to stay positive :))
thank you so much for reading. i'm really trying to finish up this book, and close this chapter of my life. but this means so much to me. thank you.