Will You Break Me? [Harry Styles Love Story]

I Don't Know Anymore

Amanda's POV

        The text was from Harry.

        Harry- Where were you last night?

        Me- Busy

        Harry- Doing what? Why won't you tell me?

        What was I supposed to say? I didn't want to tell him. Last night was the best night. For the first time in a long time, I had forgotten everything that had happened between Harry and I. I forgot about Harry completely! I was happy about everything that was going on, all up until these text. I have found that Niall is the one, but how do I tell Harry? I don't know where my head is anymore. I decided not to respond to that last text. I hugged Niall as he rubbed my back. I wanted to say so many things, but couldn't. I had thought my voice was gone all up until last night. When Niall went to get my close, I looked in the mirror and tried to say something. I tried to make a noise. Nothing. I was disappointed. I really wanted to be able to say something to Niall. Or even to Louis. No, I needed to say something to Louis first. I felt bad for everything. He's been wanting to help, and I've just been pushing him away. Whenever I saw him he would give me this sad smile. I hated that smile. That was the same smile he would give me when we were kids and I would get hurt.

        "Amanda, do you really love me, or do you love Harry? I'll understand if you still love Harry." I couldn't believe he was asking me this. I let go of him. He stared into my eyes, and I stared back. I didn't know how to answer that. I looked down at my feet. I could feel him staring at me. I walked pass him. I knew he was still staring at me. I walked outside and looked at the house. If you were to look out my bedroom window, you could see the tree house. I looked at the window and saw that it was open. I saw Alex sitting there on the bed. She was staring at her wrist. She had all her bracelets off. I knew she was staring at those cuts. That's what I do when I'm alone. I stare at them and look at the damage I've done. They remind me of how stupid I am. 

        I stood there, watching her. She sat there, still as a tree. Not moving and just watching, as if, waiting for something to happen. After what felt like forever, she looked up. She was looking straight at me. No smile. No tears. No... no anything. Soulless, I guess you'd say. It was as if she were dead. She refused to move, let alone sway, even a tiny bit. I don't even think she blinked as she sat there watching me. She watched me, and          I know why. She was trying to communicate with me through stares, just like those silly school girls do from across the classroom, which always bugged me.

       Alex was disappointed in me. Alex thought I was stupid for what I had done. Alex isn't stupid, she knows exactly what we did last night. Not in detail, of course, but she did know I lost my virginity to Niall James Horan, the one I didn't want. The one she wanted. The one that, also, Alex, wanted. I- and when I say 'I', I mean me- wanted Harry. She - and when I say 'she', I mean the me I, very sadly, very badly, wanted to be- wanted Niall. She thought he was the cool one. She knew he would make me happy, and she doesn't believe in second chances. She spits on second chances.

        A tear fell from my eye. My every trace of happiness was gone. I felt like an idiot for what I had done. But I would get the occasional, 'You know you want Niall' from her. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me. I jumped. Alex looked away. Staring right back at her wrist. I turned my head so I could see Niall. He leaned in to give me a kiss. I kissed back for a second until I forced myself to pull away. He looked confused. I didn't know how to explain anything to him. I knew he wouldn't understand. It was too... odd. The only one who would understand was Alex. She also had felt the same. She felt the same girl inside her telling her what to do. Whenever she cuts and I ask why she did it, "She told me to," was the reply I would get back.