Fine

Chapter 3

I sat down on my bedroom floor. I was dressed in a suit but I would rather be dressed in nothing because if I had nothing on they wouldn't let me out in public.

Today is Ethan's funeral and I still haven't truly stopped crying. Mom is even making Matt stay in here with me so I don't try anything.

Matt hasn't said anything. Matt doesn't really talk to me. He hates me. And he especially hates being my brother. To be honest if I actually tried to kill myself I don't think Matt would do anything.

Not a thing.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm doing it. I opened my dresser door and looked at Matt. He wasn't looking at me. I slowly rolled up my sleeve and grabbed my biggest razor I looked at Matt who still was looking away. I put it to the top of my wrist and placed it vertically but before I could do anything I heard Matt's voice.

"What the hell are you doing?!" He yelled. He ran over and grabbed the blade.

"That is NOT the answer. Please don't ever think it is ever again because its wrong. It's always wrong." He said throwing the blade in the trash. It was pointless doing that though. I would just get it later.

"Asher. Asher are you listening to me?" He said. I looked him in the eyes and nodded. He looked down and put his head in his hands and sighed.

"I know that sometimes I'm mean to you and that sometimes it seems like I don't care about you, but I do. If you killed yourself I...I wouldn't be able to live life happily anymore. I would miss you too much. I love you Asher. I love you way too much to lose you." He said. I felt his arms wrap around me. I didn't say anything but hugged back.

When we pulled apart Mom came in.

"We're leaving now. Come on."

Matt got up and stood in the door way. I didn't want to get up and go.

"Come on Asher, please." He said. I looked up at him and nodded. I got up and walked towards him. He grabbed my hand and led me out the door towards the car. I sat down in my usual seat and buckled up. It was going to be a long and terrible day.

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I walked up to the casket and looked inside. There he was. Just lying there. Dead.

I wanted him back so bad. I wanted for him to just open his eyes and just say "Just kidding!" And that this was all just a cruel joke.

But I knew deep down that, that would never happen. Ethan is dead and is never coming back.

As I held back my tears (but that didn't work) I put my hand in his hair and traced it along his body. Tears were cascading down my cheeks but I wasn't making any noise. I looked at Ethan and touched his cheek one last time. I walked away and sat down in my seat next to Emmitt.

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I was back home and in my room. Mom didn't trust me to be on my own so Matt was in here for the next couple of weeks. I was laying on my bed crying. I wanted Ethan back so bad. It just isn't fair.

I wanted to cut very badly as well. But how? I can't do it with Matt in here.

Suddenly an idea popped into my head.

"Matt I need to shower." I said. He looked at me skeptically.

"Ok but I'm checking in every five minutes and if you don't answer I'm coming in." He said.

"Okay." I got up and walked into the bathroom. I took off my clothes and turned on the water. I grabbed the large blade I kept underneath the sink.

I stepped in the shower and started. It was so easy and it felt so good. There really were no words to describe it.

I watched as the blood turned the water red. It was truly a beautiful sight. I made more cuts and there was so much blood. It was awesome.

"Ash? Are you ok?" I heard Matt from outside.

"I'm fine." I said.

Just fine.

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It was morning and my wrists were stinging. I got up and saw that there was blood on the sheets. I must have hit something in my sleep. I wasn't bleeding when I went to sleep.

"Ash? You awake?" I heard Matt's voice. I sat up and saw him on the floor.

"Yeah." I said. He was sat on the floor dressed in his day clothes.

"Good." He said. I got up and went downstairs. He followed me down. Madi was down there with her friends. They all gave me weird looks and looked at my shirt. I looked down and saw why. There was blood on it.

As soon as they saw Matt, though, they all "fixed" themselves. Basically pushed their boobs out, fixed their hair, and then twirled their hair around their fingers.

I walked to the fridge and pulled out a water. I glanced at all the food. But that food wasn't for eating. If I ate it I would want more and then I would get fat.

"Your brother is such a freak." I heard someone whisper. It didn't take a genius to know they were talking about me.

"At least mine isn't in jail." I heard Madi snap. At least someone was sticking up for me.

I closed the fridge and sat down at the kitchen table. Madi's friends all stared at me. Even though they were little 13 year olds it still hurt.

"Madi can you take your friends somewhere else?" Matt asked. She nodded.

"Come on guys." She said and led them all upstairs. I knew as soon as they got to her room they would start talking about me. Matt came and sat across from me.

"Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded and sat there awkwardly. I opened the water bottle i had gotten and took a sip of it. I hadn't anything to eat or drink in two days. This tasted like heaven. Matt got up and walked over to the couch. He turned on the TV and satrted watching Spongebob. He liked the show more than he'll ever admit. I heard feet come down the stairs. I looked and saw it was Madi. She came over and sat next to me.

"I'm sorry about my stupid friends. They're really rude." She apologized. Madi was so nice, she didn't deserve to have such awful friends. She's come home numerous times before in tears because of her friends. She tells me all the time how much she dislikes them. She says she is only friends with them for the popularity.

It's amazing what people do for fame.

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"I guess I'm going to see him later." I said to Emmitt. We were both sitting in his room, just talking.

"What do you mean?" He asked.

"When I die." I asnwered. We were talking about Ethan.

"When do you think you'll die?"

"I won't make it to my twenties." I said. Emmitt glared at me. He hated when I talked about suicide. Emmitt cared to much for me, and that was bad. When I die he'll hurt too much.

But everytime I try distance myself from him I end up missing him to much.