Fine

Chapter 4

School starts in 15 days. Ethan's been dead for 20. Emmitt's been helping by trying to keep me busy. We've hung out non-stop for about 12 days. I don't mind though, I could never get tired of Emmitt, he was my best friend.

But no matter how much I loved Emmitt I would still never love him as much as I loved Ethan.

I missed Ethan so much. It wasn't fair that everyone else would get their happy ending and I'm stuck alone and depressed. Ethan was honestly the main thing keeping me from killing myself. Knowing that I would hurt him is a big enough reason not to. Even though I will kill myself the reason won't be because of Ethan. It will be because of everything else. It will be because of my mind. The voices inside of it. Everyday they shatter my confidence and rip apart my happiness. They remind that I'm a fat, useless, worthless, ugly, selfish, piece of shit.

And they are so right. I'm terrible. I deserve every bad thing that has happened in my life. I deserved to get raped. It was a punishment for being so goddamn awful. I can't believe someone would even want to adopt me. I'm a failure. I'm a suicidal, depressed, paranoid, anxious, anorexic, selfharming mistake. I don't deserve to even be alive. I should have died, not Ethan. Ethan didn't do anything wrong. Ethan was perfect. Why did he even go out with me? I'm a terrible boyfriend. I wonder if it was all even real. Maybe Ethan was just lying because he felt bad. That makes sense.

"Ash?" I look up to my doorway. Austin is standing there with a small smile on his face.

"What?" I ask. He walks in and sits next to me.

"How've you been doing?" He asks. Terrible. Absolutely terrible and getting worse by the second.

"Fine." Was all I said but Austin knew better than to believe that.

"It's gonna be ok. You're only 15. You have your ways to go." I mentally laughed at this. I doubt I'll be alive much longer.

"I know it seems like your world has ended but it hasn't. You'll get better and you'll be happy. Just wait. I went through exactly what your going through. It isn't easy and I'm so proud of you for getting this far." He said giving me a hug. When he was my age he used to cut, too. He still has scars up and down his wrist and they're beautiful. When he found out I had been doing it he wouldn't stop crying because he thought he was the reason. Even though he gave me the idea he wasn't the reason I started.

We only found out about him doing it because he tried to kill himself. It was maybe two months after I had gotten adopted. Me and Matthew were both pulled out of class. Apparently, Austin cut school and came back home to do his deed. He made huge gashes on his arms. When he started to bleed he got nervous. He got extremely scared when it wouldn't stop. He realized he wasn't ready. He started thinking it over and realized he just wasn't ready. He called mom and then called 911. I remember seeing him in the hospital. His face was all white and he looked so helpless. When I got home I went into his room and saw all his blood everywhere. The most disturbing part of it was the smeared hand prints all over the walls. I remember seeing on his bed a bunch of notes. There was one with everyone in the family's names on it. I picked up the one adressed to me. All it said was "I'm so sorry, I can't do this. I'm so sorry, I can't do this. I'm so sorry, I can't do this." Over and over again. I cried so hard I'm surprised I didn't die from dehydration. After that day cutting has constantly been on my mind. It wasn't until I was 12 I actually picked up a blade.

"Don't do what I did Ash. What I did was stupid and dangerous." He said. I looked him in the eyes. They were so full of concern. I wish I could truthfully tell him that I was fine and that I wasn't even thinking of suicide.

But I am. And I don't think I'll ever stop.

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