Beat Heal Love

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I wake up at 7 in the morning on Monday the 12th of October. Today is the day I'm leaving Charlie Joseph behind and become a new person.

•♦•♦•♦•♦•

"Charlie, you up?!" Smith shouts from somewhere in the house. I fold the letter and put it into the envelope.

"Yeah!" I shout back just as the door is opened.

"Good, you have a visitor," Smith walks away and I quickly hide the letter behind my back.

"What are you doing here, Nathan?" I ask him as he stands in the doorway.

"Um... I just wanted to stop by before school to see if you were going today," he states, not moving from the door.

"I might come in the afternoon, I'm not sure yet. This is the first time Smith has let me out of the bed for more than the bathroom." Nathan laughs but it's sad.

"Sounds like the Smith I know. Have you been doing the homework you've missed?"

"Yeah, I'll bring it in when I go."

"Okay, um... If you need any help with anything, just let me know."

"Okay I'll keep that in mind." Then there's silence. Luckily Smith comes in not long after.

"Charlie, you should rest some more if you wanna go this afternoon. And don't forget to eat before we leave."

"Don't worry, Smith, I will." Smith nods and walks out again.

"Well, I should leave you to rest. I'll see you later?"

"Maybe, bye." He walks away with that and I pull the letter out from behind my back. I look at the blank envelop face and write Mr Knight on it before putting it on my sweater.

"He left. Last chance to stay." Smith walks in and sits on the bed where I follow.

"I need to go, Smith. If you don't want to come, then you don't have to, I completely understand."

"If you think I'm going to let you go alone, then you've gone mad."

"Just thought I'd put it out there." Then I think of the letter. "Hey, can we stop by the school on the way out? I have something I need to drop off."

"Sure, we'll go during lunch." I nod.

"I've said this before, but I'll say it again, I really appreciate you doing this, Smith. It means a lot."

"Charlie, I'm just hoping that being away from here will heal you with time."

"I think it will. How are you going to get your motorcycle over to Kamloops?"

"I was going to leave it here or maybe get someone to get it for me, I don't know yet. I'll figure it out, just worry about yourself."

"It's weird because I've always only had myself to worry about, and even then as long as I didn't die, I barely cared."

"I'd of thought you would have wanted to the relief death gave you. I got to admit, I'm surprised that you've never cut or tried to kill yourself. Even just for the control or something."

I don't deserve the relief of death, I think to myself since Smith hears everything I say, no matter how quiet I am. "I guess I never had the thoughts to start," I lie.

"That's good. So, I think we should pack up everything we're going to need then grab something to eat and leave."

"Okay. What's the plan to get there?"

"I'll tell you once we get on the road. Now get packed." He leaves and I look around the empty room. I don't have anything to pack, just the clothes on my back. I wouldn't let Smith buy me anything so I've been in the same clothes for a week, which I don't mind. Instead, I grab the letter and just hold it in my hands, thinking of what I wrote.

Dear Nathan,

I know it's cowardly of me to put all of this in a letter instead of saying this to your face. I don't know if I have the strength to do that and be able to walk away afterwards, leaving you behind. Even writing this letter and leaving it for you is hard and making me want to back out, but I can't do that now. I've gotten so far, I can't turn back now.

I am so grateful for everything you did to help me. You showed me that there were people who still cared about me. That in itself helped me beyond belief. But, you can't fix everything. Only I can and I'm going to do that. It may take a few years, or it may take a few months, I don't know. All I know is that I'm leaving, but I will be back. I don't know whether it was purposely on your part or not, but I don't think of you as my teacher nor a friend. I think of you as someone I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. Now, just because I say this, don't stop to wait for me because I can't promise how long I'll be. If you find someone and feel the way I feel towards you about them, then forget me and move on with that person. It hurts me to think about you with someone else, but if you love them, I'll let you go but you'll always have a place in my heart. No one will be able to replace you, I can guarantee you that right now. It'll be you and only you for me.

I'm going to leave and I'm not going to tell you where I'm going or any way to reach me. I need to start over somewhere new, where no one knows me or what I've been through. I need to learn and heal but never forget. Hopefully with this time as well, I'll be able to forgive the people that have done me wrong. I don't want to live my life hating everyone, that won't help me to move one. It'll only hurt me more.

When I come back, I will be a different person. I'll be the person I once was before all of this started, only more. I'll be someone that you won't be able to recognize, but that's okay.

I ask that you don't try to find me and to continue on with your life. Don't let me be the reason you don't go for any dreams you had because you were waiting for me. I don't want that guilt heavy on my heart. So please, don't wait for me. I promise to be back, but continue on with your life and dreams.

I love you,

Charlie Joseph