The Secrets We Keep [#justwriteit]

xi.

You know, it's funny, I want to remember the bad times which we shared but, until now, every memory which I have with you brings nothing but a smile to my face.

The first time you kissed me. I will never forget that, mostly because of all the flirting which had happened beforehand, and I had been dying for you to kiss me for weeks before it finally happened.

The time you left me frustrated. Now that I think about it, it's almost humorous that it happened, especially since it happened in the back of a car and I didn't even stop you. Maybe because I was drunk, or maybe because it's what I wanted you to do, but either way you left me frustrated and I had to solve that problem myself when I got back home.

The messages which followed afterwards. The flirting, the sexual suggestions, the laughs. They were the best couple of weeks, I was happy and I was smiling, and it was all because of you. A few simple messages and I was happier than I had been in a very long time.

Then there was the holiday. I had prepared myself for a week of hell and I assumed that it would be a week which was dominated by both you and Jake, because I know what the pair of you can be like when you get together.

I wasn't surprised when you didn't acknowledge me during the day, I accepted that was because of Jake, but that didn't stop me from flirting with you and making comments. I had always told you that I didn't give a shit about Jake and what he thought.

I am an adult and, while you may struggle to make basic decisions, I knew what it was that I wanted from you. I knew that I wanted a relationship and I wanted to be with you, above everyone else I could have picked, you were the one I wanted to actually be in a relationship with.

I was, pleasantly, surprised when you made the move on the first night. I was willing to sleep on my side of the bed and to keep my hands to myself, mostly because Jake was in the room as well, but also because I didn't think that you wanted anything from me other than friendship; I had already prepapred myself for a week where you made it clear that we were only friends and nothing more.

But I won't forget that you were the one who wrapped your arm around my waist. You were the one who pulled me from my side of the bed and invited me to sleep on you, to sleep in your embrace where I felt as though I could finally take on the world with someone at my side.

For once, my depression wasn't ruling my life, and I was actually taking control. I was following my heart and taking hold of the thing which I had wanted for so fucking long, I took hold of the happiness you provided me with and I never wanted to let it go.

I never wanted to feel anything else. I just wanted to feel every little thing you made me feel, and I wanted you to always make me feel that way.

I just wanted you, Kieran. In that moment, on the first night with your arms wrapped around me and my head on your chest, I realised that I only wanted you and that you were the person I could finally see myself having something other than friendship with.

And, when you kissed me on that night, right after you thought that Jake had fallen asleep, I knew that you had to feel something for me. I know that males have a tendency to chase after girls for the sole purpose of sleeping with them, but I knew that there was something else there and I knew that you had feelings for me which ran deeper than just friendship.

You don't hold someone in the way you held me, if all you wanted was sex. You don't kiss someone in the way you kissed me, if all you wanted was sex. You don't have the conversations which you had with me, if all you wanted was sex. And you don't apologise for making a sexual advance as you did with me, if all you wanted was sex.

So why, after all that waiting you did, after all the affection which you showed me, and after all the attention which you gave to me when it was just the two of us, did you do it?

Why, after all of that, did you pay another women for sex? And why the fuck did it have to be right after you found you that I was pregnant with your child?

Why, Kieran? Why would you do that to me? The woman you claim to love.