The Secrets We Keep [#justwriteit]

xiv.

As I have been told, when you love someone, you should set them free and allow them to live their life without you.

I guess that there is nothing which can be done to make you believe me, or for you to even give me another chance to prove myself to you and show you that I only want you.

No woman is ever going to compare you, April. You are always going to be the only woman I ever love and the only woman I want to have a life with, but I can see now that is never going to happen.

I have hurt you too much and an apology will never be enough to take away the pain which I have caused. Words will never show you just how much you mean to me, and neither will they ever be able to prove how much I really do love you.

But I will never be able to make you truly happy. Not as you were when we first got together, I have made too many mistakes and there are no fixing most of them, and so you should find someone who will make you happy.

Not just an odd smile here and there, and not just a laugh when you feel as though you have no other choice, but someone who isn't me and someone who will provide you with unconditional happiness. It's the least you deserve after putting up with both me and all the shit which I have caused for the last six years.

I will always love you, April. You were the woman who saved me and showed me that there was so much more to life than I had convinced myself there was, and you were the woman who allowed me to let go of a past which I resented.

You even got me to forgive my father. You got me to forgive the man who made my childhood hell and made me suffer, simply because I was a bastard child that he never wanted. You got me to actually speak to the man who I resented more than anything and, while I will never have a relationship with him, at least I can live my life knowing that you encouraged me to be the bigger person in the end.

You are, next to the woman who adopted me as her own son, the only woman I ever actually loved and wanted in my life. And now I have to life the rest of my life knowing that I fucked up the best thing which has happened to me.

Be happy, April. Find someone who deserves you far more than I do and live you life.

For once, don't force yourself to be happy, but actually be happy. Actually find a man who can fix your broken heart and will protect it with his life. Find a man who can repair the damage which I have caused.

I will take your friendship, if you will allow me to have it that is. I would rather have you in my life and the two of us get along with each other in some form, rather than have you in my life and you resenting me for what I have done to you.

I know I have fucked up as a boyfriend, and I know that I done all the things I promised you that I never would, but I promise to be the best father that I can.

I promise that I will never ruin the relationship I have with our child. And, rest assured, those are two promises which I will never break.

I swear it.