Author's Note: here is chapter 2, this is set when Charlie is 18
For a few years now Charlie has clung onto the hope that going to university will be a fresh start, a chance for everything to start over. A chance for Charlie to finally figure out what the hell he wants from a life, a chance to work out who he could be without having to worry what everyone thinks.
So far it seems like that hope has been a false one.
Charlie had hoped that university would allow him more freedom, a chance to get away from his father. But his dad is stood close behind him, helping Charlie to carry boxes up a stupid amount of stairs.
"You know I'll be expecting you to come back at the weekends," he says.
Charlie's dad's voice is always loud. Even a whisper sounds like a shout, and his normal speaking voice often seems loud enough to trigger earthquakes. He's practically shouting now, voice reverberating through the floor, through Charlie's bones. Charlie can feel his entire body shake; he can't wait for this feeling to disappear.
"Not every weekend," Charlie replies, voice unusually firm.
"Why not?"
Defiance is not something that Peter Martin is used to dealing with. Most arguments between father and son are dealt with before they even begin, a raised hand is usually enough to stop Charlie disagreeing. At the most it takes a quick hit and Charlie soon quietens down. Now Charlie doesn't even bother replying, they both know he'll agree eventually anyway.
"Fine," Charlie's father concedes in an unusually calm manner, Charlie had expected more of an argument, "regularly though. I'm all alone now you and Matty have moved out."
"You'll survive," Charlie replies simply.
Charlie wonders if this is how the fall out between his brother and his dad happened a couple of years ago. If it all became too much and Matthew couldn't take it anymore. If the jokes his father told became as despised as they are now, if Matthew dreaded the sound of the door opening late in the evening back then as Charlie does now. He'd love to ask Matt, but Matt won't talk about their dad anymore. And so Charlie has learnt to keep quiet around both of them, his Dad won't talk about Matt, Matt won't talk about their dad, it's as if they hope that by pretending the other doesn't exist they can erase the past.
Charlie knows that it doesn't work like that.
"You should probably get going soon," Charlie is aware that his words probably come across as rude but sharing air with his father is starting to feel like sharing air with a fire. It clogs his lungs, makes it difficult to breathe properly.
Charlie's never going to get a fresh start with his dad still around.
"Fine."
"I just meant you might want to get back so you're not driving later when you're tired."
"Uh-huh."
The tension between them feels palpable and Charlie almost wants to retract the words. But he can't. They're true. Charlie just wants to be alone right now, he wants to move in and get to know the people in his dorm. He doesn't want to be his father's son; he wants to be Charlie, university student, procrastinator extraordinaire.
He wants to be himself.
"Well bye then."
It's awkward. Neither of the pair has ever been one for signs of affection and so when Peter Martin initiates a hug both of them aren't entirely sure what to do. Charlie is certain it can't be over quick enough.
