Midnight Thoughts

what if...

Facebook is a terrible place to be honest.

No one bothers me on there, I'm not really bullied anymore, not as much as I was, or maybe I just learnt to zone out the voices on the street.

The point is facebook makes you feel.

I've become prone to not feeling, I don't know why, I just stopped crying unless I was in real pain or frustrated.

But Facebook makes me feel again.

I don't think you understand after you get hurt so many times on repeat you just stop caring after awhile.

I stopped caring.

And people never notice when you stop caring, people don't notice when your broken.

And the thing I hate the most is when depression hits you when you think your okay, you see one trigger word or picture and suddenly you're fucked.

I hate how much it hurts when it hurts.

I hate how I can't be happy all the time.

I hate how every now and again my friends say one thing and I'm hurt, but I just smile and laugh it off like it never happened.

I hate how I can't control my sadness.

I hate myself.

Isn't that funny being able to admit like that.

Like its so easy to say, I hate how my arms are flabby, I hate how my voice gets to high sometimes.

I hate being fat.

But what sucks the most is that I can't change shit like that right now.

If my shirt is broken I can fix that, but if I'm broken I can't fix that straight away.

And I fucking hate that.

I hate faking a smile.

I hate being so tired all the time.

I hate being smart.

I hate being pretty but ugly at the same time.

I hate how that no matter how much I try I still put on more weight then I did before.

I hate me.

So when I have these feelings I always happen to stop eating because the food I see, makes me sick.

And I'm scared, so scared that one day I'll end up dead because i hated myself so much that I decided I had enough.

And that scares me the most.

So what if I do decide to end it.

What if...