We are one (#Wattys2016)

Chapter 26

"Tris, Cody's dead" Tobias says. Christina looks away from me.
"Your lying." I say. No. He's not dead. He didn't push me. He would be angry with me. He wouldn't risk his life for mine.
"I'm not, Tris you've gotta believe me." He says, calmly almost soothing.
"No, he's not dead." I say, shaking my head. I swallow the large lump forming at the back of my throat. I look over to Andrew. He nods.
"Honey, he's in a better place now."
No. It hits me. He would never be angry with me. He loves me no matter what. I'd risk my life for him and he would do the same. He did the same. I should be dead not him. I deserve to die. I can't be here. Where ever I go, I will get nightmares. I can't do this anymore. I shake my head and put my head in my hands.
"I can't do this anymore." I whisper. "Not like this." Natalie ushers everyone out the room. Telling them I need time to rest and let it sink in. Tobias doesn't leave.
"We'll see you later Tris." Christina says. I don't listen. I'm shocked. Lost for words. I can't cry, no matter how hard I try. I can't.
"Can I talk to Tris please?" Tobias says. They both nod and walk out. He strides over to my bed and perches in the edge of my bed.
"I can't do this anymore." I repeat. My head is still in my hands. I can't cry, he knows that.
"You know what the worse thing about it is, I can't even mourn his death. I can't cry." I say. He shakes his head.
"Tris, there are so many different ways to mourn. So many. He wouldn't want to see you upset. He would want to know that you happy and safe. He wants to know that your protected and alive." He says. What ever Tobias Eaton does he soothes me and calms me down.
"I killed him." I say. His eyes widen.
"I fucking killed him." My breaths quicken. They get shorter and faster. My heart rate goes up. I know it is due to the machine beeping in the corner.
"I killed him, Tobias. It's my fault he's dead." Tears don't form in my eyes but the sound of sobs rack my body.
"Hey, hey. You didn't kill him. He lived because of you. Even though I've only known him a few weeks. He was happy. He would do anything for you Tris." He pulls me into a hug. I flinch slightly at his touch. Both because it hurts and because of what happened at the juvenile centre. I slowly return the hug. His body is like a shell that will protect. I put my ear to his chests and listen to his heart beat. They're slightly rapid. I don't know what it would be, it's not me obviously. We pull away. His deep blue eyes look into mine. He's got flecks of even darker blue in the middle.
"You know what the last thing I said to him was? I told him he was a coward. That was the last thing I ever said to him." I put my head in my hands again.
"I'm never gonna get that back, never. I can't do this anymore" I feel Tobias take one of my hands away from my head. His smooth hands run over bumpy skin of the scars. He gently places my hand over his heart.
"Hey, look at me." He says, gently. I look up and look to the wall. I can't make eye contact with him. Before I know it, two gentle fingers slip under my chin and pull my head over to face him.
"Hey, you feel this," he presses my hand onto his chest. I feel his heart wanting to burst out of his chest.
"Cody's not dead. He lives in the hearts of all of us. He will always watch you Tris Prior." He says. He calms me down and I start breathing normally again. We look at each other for a few minutes. We don't say anything and savour the moment. It becomes slightly awkward and he knows it because he clears his throat.
"Well, I better go before my dad wonders where I am." He says. I nod.
"See you later." He brushes my foot on the way out. I don't feel anything.
"Tobias? Wait." I say he turns around.
"Touch my foot again." He does. Nothing. I get him to touch all my other parts in my leg. Nothing. He gently lifts the blanket up to see my life less toes.
"Bend them" he says. "Move them." I sit for a good two minutes trying to move them. Nothing.
"Tobias, I can't feel my legs."