Intentional Fallacy (Book 5)

Chapter 17

He was standing in front of me. I grew dizzy. Then it came into focus, the story that had been at bay, sitting out beyond the docks. If there had been any moorings they had broken away and I was there without any protection, it was going to come forcefully. I knew it I could feel it and the surge was even stronger than the possibility of Jeff's anger. It started with intuitive flashes. The nurse's face. The needle. Two men waiting with Jeff at the bottom of the stairs. My baby.

I started to cry.

Back then. Back in Oregon, my  baby's little chubby arms extended wanting me to lift him into my arms. He was innocently smiling, thinking I was playing a game with him.

In another instant there was a flash and I was back in the kitchen with Jeff. I wondered how much time had passed. He was still looking at me. I couldn't read his expression.

"I'm sorry." I whispered. I couldn't say if I was existing in that moment or if time had gone backwards as Margaret had described in her diaries but Jeff's face in that moment was just as I remembered it the afternoon he'd attacked me then had me taken away. The whole thing had been so calculated. And, with the new knowledge of Margaret and what she was doing and thinking during that time, a full picture came into view. I didn't move at first, I was still frozen in time, a part of me was in the farmhouse in Oregon. Back then, on that terrible day he'd pushed me against the wall and I'd gotten away. I'd rushed as fast as I could up the stairs and tried to hold the door shut; I'd tried to keep him out but he pushed his way in. Back then he'd had nothing but hatred for me. The thought of it, just the thought of him hating me caused me to want to draw him in. To do what ever he wanted so he wouldn't hurt me.

I returned to time and place. I was back in the kitchen standing in front of the phone. He put his hands on my arms. It was gentle. "Did you sleep with Matt?"

Everything split again. I thought permanently. The fissure had been there since the hospital. It just needed enough force to split completely. That was the moment. I completely returned to the past. To me there was no difference on that cold winter night; it was the same late spring day that he'd pulled up into my driveway. It was the same day he pushed his way through my screen door. I felt I was almost completely gone. I thought of Margaret and how she'd hallucinated that I was her friend. It made me start to cry to imagine how much of a prisoner she was.

"Eve? Did you?"

I nodded. I was almost completely numb. I looked at him. I waited. I waited for him to raise his hand and for it to come down hard. I waited for his hands around my neck. Then, it felt as if it had already happened. My face stung from blows that hadn't occurred. I moved away from him and then the panic overtook me. I ran as fast as I could up the stairs. I didn't know if he was close behind or not. I got into my room and was able to lock the door. I sat down on the floor in front of the door and started weeping. It wasn't something I had any control over. I was completely hysterical. All I could see was the day he'd followed me up the stairs, pushed his way. I remembered how terrifying it had been trying to turn the key and lock him out. The nightmare feeling when I failed. Nothing but terror and panic. Back then, on the day they'd taken me away—the day that changed the entire course of my life, on that day, once he'd made his way in and pushed me to the floor. That was the beginning of knowing that I would have to accept whatever was going to happen tome. There had been nothing else I could do on that day or the in the weeks that followed. When I'd tried to beg him or make promises he was intent on destroying me.

When time returned to the present, I leaned my head back against the wooden door. I was completely empty. I was floating above myself and it almost felt satisfying to be so numb. It was calm and quiet, outside of myself.