Intentional Fallacy (Book 5)

Chapter 19

It had been as if I'd set out to murder my own husband all along.. I knew the moment Charlie thrust the knife into Jeff's chest, I knew as I tried to hold my hand there to stop the bleeding, not even enough time or wherewithal to look into my husband's eyes. I knew the truth would die with him. Didn't I owe it to Charlie? Didn't Jeff? So I said nothing. And, there wasn't a person who could stand up in Jeff's defense. A part of me began to believe I had orchestrated it, not the conscious part of me, but I'd taken my own fear and I told everyone I knew that I was in danger. I was the one who brought my son to Chicago to save me. I played on Charlie's weakness and I hadn't even realized what I'd forced my son to do. I'd suggested to Charlie that I was afraid Jeff was going to hurt me, kill me. My son had flown to Chicago to save me because I had told him I thought I was in mortal danger. I'd told the same to Matt. And, Jeff going to Matt's house. That too was evidence against him. That Matt's call came before Charlie arrived. Even Jeff's best friend had seen him hit me, knew of the affairs. And, even the knife. I was the one who'd put the knife there, not Jeff. There was no one who would believe Jeff.

Well, there was someone. Me. I believed him. I loved him.

I sat on the bed and removed my cardigan sweater. I thought of his eyes and his hands on me. I missed him already. I knew there would be no point in life without him. I was set free, that was true and I had been held captive all those years. It didn't mater; I'd never wanted freedom.

I wanted him.

I walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. There had been a bottle of pills I remembered from a sprained ankle, months ago. They had been prescribed for pain and the bottle was full because I wasn't able to tolerate even one. They made me so sleepy and dizzy. I took the bottle from the shelf, filled a glass of water in the bathroom sink and I walked back into the dark and empty bedroom. I removed my shoes and sat looking at the bottle on the table next to the bed. I wasn't afraid. A part of me knew I should have been. I even knew Jeff would tell me not to—no that's not true. He'd feel the same way I did. He would agree that I should be with him. I opened the bottle and poured all the pills in my hand. They were large white tablets, there would be no way for me to swallow the handful at once so I placed them on the bed next to me. I picked up the first pill and my heart raced. It was simply human instinct, not my true feelings. The body has a separate imperative than the heart. It would put up a small fight against my consciousness. It was reflexive but none the less weak. I put the pill in my mouth and took a small sip of water, it went down easily. I took the next one and continued to take them until I'd finished the bottle. I expected it to take effect quickly but it didn't. I lay down and stared up at the celling. Some of the effects set in, it was a quiet calm, a levitation. I closed my eyes and I felt safe. The same safe feeling I had when I made love to Jeff. I took a deep breath and I could hear nothing. I opened my eyes and I could see nothing. The medicine made it so I didn't care. My thoughts moved peacefully and then I saw him there. He was standing in front of me and we were young again and I loved him. I held out my hand and he led me back in time. Back to the house in Sellwood. Right to the beginning.

It was getting cooler now that we weren't walking around the garden. It was chilly under the arbor.

"Can I make you some tea?" I asked.

He didn't answer for a long time. He just stared into my eyes. I knew that it was somehow the wrong thing to do, but I let him speak to me that way. Finally, he smiled an awkward smile. I smiled too.

"I would love some tea." He said, "and thank you." As I started to get up, he said, "Wait, Eve. Can I ask you something? You won't feel offended or-"

I stopped and smiled, "I don't know, ask me."

"Would you let your hair down and just sit for a moment?"

I felt myself turn flush. I was frozen. The sky above was turning cloudy and it was getting colder. "Mr. Lambert--I mean Jeff. I'm-" I started to protest, but then I asked "why?"

"I wanted to study you, for a sketch. I've been wanting to for some time. I know it's not — " He said.

"Oh. For a picture?"

"Yes. I'd like to paint a picture of you in your garden."

I felt flattered. I wanted to ask why, but I didn't. Instead, I sat down at the other end of the bench. "Just take my hair down?" I asked. "Should I get a comb? Or..."

"No just as you are," Jeff said. "This is perfect."

"All right." I didn't know why I let myself do it, but I did. Gently, I pulled the combs from my hair and it slowly loosened and unraveled from the twist and fell around my shoulders.

"Sit for a moment," he said. He had such a serious, intent look in his eyes that it almost scared me. I sat and let him study me. I could feel my heart race and my body grow warm. It was as if I had slipped into another place and now I understood him.

He lifted his hand and leaned towards me, "May I?"

I nodded, not sure what he was about to do.

He took my hair into his hands. He held it for a moment, feeling its softness then the arranged it around my face, against my shoulders. As he did, his hand grazed my cheek and when it did, I felt a wave of passion run through me.

"You're so beautiful," he finally said. But it was matter of fact. As if he had looked at an advertisement for a car or a new device. He turned and looked towards the house. "should we save tea for next time?" he asked, "It's late and I know you have planting to do."

I was so stunned and felt so naked with my hair down around her shoulders, but more I felt as if I had been pulled into a dream. It only lasted moments, but then it was over. I put my hands to my hair and pulled it back. I fumbled for the clips still on my lap.

He watched me without expression as I hurriedly tried to put myself back together.

Afterwards. That is how I thought of it. That is how I always thought of it. Afterwards. I would tell Carmen "After that..." I knew him differently. Or "After that I was in love with him...."

But that time in the garden under the grape arbor, the vines tangled above us, criss-crossing against the blue-gray sky, the buds starting to protrude through the wood of the vines. And, the fragrant musty spring smell. That was the point that separated my knowing Jeff. He had pressed his finger gently against my heart and made an impression. I could feel the grooves of his fingerprints, the loops that met in a tight weave in the center. And, it was so subtle, a breath could erase it. So, I held my breath while I watched him leave the garden. He walked without turning back. His wool trousers dirty from helping me in the garden, from dragging and pulling the unwilling rhododendron. I saw his white dress shirt and underneath I could make out the lines of a t-shirt visible through the fabric. I wondered how it would feel to be close enough to feel him against me. I reached up and touched my hair, brushed a loose tendril back behind my ear. I heard the gate click and I sat all alone in the garden for a long time.

THE END