SHATTERED

Chap:20:Broken

Reyna's POV

How many times did I wish you were dead?

How many times did I wish I had never been born?

How many times a day did I say I want to die?

How many nights did I spend with my muffled screams, crying into the pillow asking God  why he made me born into our family?

We say things without thinking. We say things without meaning them. We say things without caring and finally we wish for  things we don't understand.

What would I have done if you actually did die? Life wouldn't be better for me because I would still be me, plus the guilt. Our parents wouldn't change, they would just get worse learning to cope with what used to be. See from the beginning, and I'm pretty sure deep within I always knew, that the problem didn't lie with you. 

It lay with me.

It wasn't because you were better than me that my life was not what I wanted it to be. It was because I was incompetent that my life couldn't change.

I was stubborn. Selfish. Jealous. Egoistic. Sentimental . Unforgiving.

See, I knew I was ugly inside. Our mom knew too. She had warned me before about the blood that ran in my veins. I was too much like our grandfather. I had inherited 80% of our father's genes and none of it was good. 

They lacked self-control and all of them let their ugly sides rule them. The 20% of our mother's genes were  being suppressed. I was quick to let go when things got tough. I was a quitter. 

I wanted true friends, yet I didn't have what it took to be a 'friend'. I wanted life-long friendships yet I didn't want to put the effort into maintaining one. 

I was quick to blame others subconsciously, I loved playing 'the victim'. I could never love myself for who I was. Yet I was too prideful to change myself.

I wanted to fit in, find a place for myself. At the same time I wanted to stand out and be better than everyone else. I can't love myself for who I am so why should you love me?

It is because I was in constant emotional turmoil that I slowly began to hate everything, everyone around me and myself. I just wanted to escape from everything like the coward  I was. I wanted a clean slate. 

They say it isn't the dress that shines, but the model who wears it. If she doesn't smile, she won't look pretty nor will the dress. 

I never put effort into  making what I already had, shine. I never put effort into that smile.