I Still Think You're Beautiful (Jordan Sweeto x Reader)

Chapter 7 Cuts & Kisses

(A/N: TRIGGER WARNING!!! THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SELF HARM MOMENTS. VERY SAD AND DEPRESSING CHAPTER!!! READ AT YOUR OWN WILL!!!)

(Your POV)

I woke up feeling weird. Not like sick weird, but emotionally weird. I felt drained. Once I woke up, I wanted to go straight to bed. I haven't felt this way in a while. I was used to it though. I decided to text Jordan. That would take my mind off things, right? Wrong. When I turned on my phone, I saw 57 messages. None of them, not one single message, was from any of my new friends. Alex didn't reply last night, Jordan didn't leave any more messages, and it was rare when Johnnie and Ben texted me. We weren't as close. So, why were there so many messages? I opened one up, and immediately knew why. People from my old school had been messaging me all morning. I looked at the time and saw it was 11:27 am. They had been sending hateful messages since 8:49 am. I knew I shouldn't have even thought about reading them, but I couldn't help it. I regretted it not long after. It was sickening. The feeling I woke up with continued to be there. But now, it was dread. Every word they sent... every word I read... it was utterly disgusting. How could people be so hateful? What did I even do wrong? Just then I got a knock on my door. My eyes shot up from my phone.

Mom: Sweetheart? Are you awake?

I stayed silent and then retreated underneath my covers. I heard the door open and footsteps approached my bed.

M: *sigh* Guess not. Poor girl. She must be tired out from yesterday. Well, I'll just leave a note.

She kissed my head and walked out of the room. I listened to her footsteps walk down the stairs and sat up. What did she mean by leave a note? Where was she going? When I heard the door close, I looked outside and watched her get into her car. What was unusual, was that she was dressed in her work clothes. I went down stairs and found a note on the counter. It read, "Hey sweetheart! I got called in today, they're short at the office. I'll see you later. Love you! <3 ~Mom" I threw the note away and decided to eat. I wasn't even hungry, but I knew if I didn't eat now, I'd be forcing food down later. So, I had a small bowl of cereal. When I was done eating it was almost 1pm. I decided to watch some TV. I wanted to get my mind off of the messages, but the thoughts lingered. I tried ignoring them, and I did a good job, until 2:30... A show had just ended so I turned of the TV. I layed my head back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. Just the thought of the messages, was enough to make me get up and start walking up stairs. I needed to know. Even if I didn't want to, I felt like I needed to read them. And there was no one here, to stop me.

I returned to my room, clicked on my phone, and continued to look through the messages. A few people sent more than one and others just sent one. Some were even long paragraphs about how much they hated me. I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. It hurt alot. I didn't do anything to deserve this, but it was happening. I just didn't get it. I left. I didn't go to that school anymore. Why would people do that? What comes out of it? What do they get out of it? The satisfaction of hurting me? I was in tears now. They streamed down my face as their words ran through my head. Fat... Slut... Bitch... Fag... Pathetic...Worthless... I threw my phone across the room. I couldn't take it. It all hurt. My head... My heart... My whole body felt weak. I myself felt weak. I felt helpless. I screamed. My voice rang through the house. I let it all out. I didn't deserve any of this. I screamed again. And again. My voice bounced off the walls.

Y: STOP. JUST STOP.

My tears ran faster. My voice got louder. I couldn't take this. I didn't deserve this. I got up, dragging myself across my room, and I went to my desk. Looking at my reflection, I felt pathetic. My eyes were bloodshot red. My whole body was shaking. I looked awful. No part of me wanted this. All of them should just suffer. They should suffer like I do everyday. My emotions were mixed. I was angry. But I was also sad. More than sad. I was depressed. I slammed my fist against my mirror, causing it to shatter. My fist had a few cuts, but I didn't feel it. That's when I pulled out my blades. I threw my drawers around and frantically pulled them out. I just wanted it to stop. That was the only thing going through my head. Make it stop. I looked at the blades, then picked one up. I didn't hesitate to dig into my skin. Tears kept pouring from my eyes as I counted the cuts. 1......2.....3......4.....5.....6.....7....8....I wasn't thinking. My room was a mess. I was a mess. My mind was a mess. Soon, my wrist were covered in small cuts. Small red beads of blood traveled out of my wrist. I was too busy crying to do anything. My cries filled the room. They were the only thing I could hear. Until I heard something unexpected. I heard my name. Someone was calling my name.