𝐇𝐀𝐙𝐀𝐑𝐃 │ 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐘𝐋 𝐃𝐈𝐗𝐎𝐍 ¹ [✔]

[46]: champagne for the pain

What the fuck was I doing?

Right then, sitting beside that stupid fucking kid. The one I tried to kill - because he was a liability. He wasn't one of us. I didn't ever want him to be one of us. I wanted to kill him.

Instead, I had to settle with knocking him out.

Thankfully, Glenn took the space between me and the boy, whom we had learned his name was Randall.

But after everything, after all, the lying and deceiving. The keeping the truth from everyone because if they knew... oh boy, if they knew - they would hate me.

So why did I go and drink - the one thing that can make you blabber the hidden passages you've stored away in your mind. Filed away and stamped with a big "fuck off" sign on them.

So I had one question for myself.

What the fuck was I doing?

As the sun rose higher in the air, bit by bit, it became harder to keep my eyes opened. It felt like someone had beaten me up because my brain was constantly buzzing, and burning.

It hurt so bad, I just wanted to curl up under the ground and never come out. I wanted to run away and never listen to anything ever again because doing that hurt.

I had my head ducked down between my knees, hands over my ears because I could hear everything. I could hear the gravel being kicked by the wheels from underneath the car. Randall's panicked breathing. Everytime Rick's wedding ring knocked the wheel was like torture.

But torture I felt like I deserved.

Soon enough, the car started to drive down the familiar road to the farm. I opened my eyes and looked out the window.

The thought of coming back here was never on my mind. I didn't want to come back.

But I had to.

I felt a nudge on my side and turned only a little, spotting Glenn in the corner of my eye.

"You okay?" he mouthed, cautious of Rick in front of me.

Rick had ordered everyone to be quiet after he had apparently scolded my words last night. But I didn't remember most of it.

In response to Glenn, all I could do was roll my eyes. "No," I sighed.

I didn't have a wink of sleep last night, to my eyelids felt like they have one hundred ton weights attached to them. But I couldn't sleep - I wasn't going to let myself fall unconscious next to Randall. No way.

I wasn't exactly ecstatic about going back, and the worst thing was that everyone else in the car were. Rick was speeding down the trail towards the farm. We had passed the gate and were only a mere minute away from those porch steps. With those people.

It seemed pretty cold-hearted of me to want to abandon everyone, and it was something I wanted but couldn't do.

I brought my head up from my palms to peek over the sill of the window, watching the trees start to surround the car and the dust starting to descend. This meant we were home.

Home.

How fucking funny is that?

Once the car stopped, I swallowed thickly. I looked to the left across Glenn, seeing everyone start to congregate around the car.

I felt Glenn nudge me and realised he probably wanted to get out and reunite with Maggie. So I shakingly opened the door, hopping out and having to steady my legs. After Glenn walked out, I shut it, wincing as the sharp noise felt like it was cracking my skull.