happy.

015

(not written in diary, actual reality)
i got the note for aphmau that i had written originally written for her about a week ago. i added "i'm sorry, if you need me, i'll be at the bridge".
i knocked on the door of aphmau's house, leaving the note and sprinting the park. i ran through car traffic, people, and everything to get there as fast as i could. when i finally got the park, i slowed down as i arrived to the entrance of the park.
as i neared the bridge, every emotion ran through my head. i don't know if it the heat of the moment or my body reacting to being close to death, but it just felt so odd. part of me felt like i should go home, but the darkness that controlled made every other part of me think this is the right choice.
i ran my finger along the hot concrete of the bridge wall. it reminded me of the day i saw her here, except i wasn't going to let myself believe that people cared for me when deep down i know they don't. i hoisted myself on top of the wall, looking down at the water. today the water was rough and crashed against the rocks. i inched my feet closer and closer towards the edge. 'one more small step and you'll be free, laurance'
as i was almost off the wall and into the water, i heard her screaming behind me. i turned my head around to look at her. she started shouting words at me, but my brain couldn't process what she was saying. i just stared back at her, whispering "i love you" softly. at that, she started tearing up. i still remained staring at her. 'do something you monster' i thought to myself. my mind was in a war with itself. i could leave now and fix everyone's problems or i can step off the wall and remain here, with her. i felt a warm hand touch mine. i looked down and she was there, holding my hand. i grabbed onto her hand. when i grasped it, she looked up and smiled at me with something that i could never forget. she looked up at me, like she was happy.