I woke up when I felt the sun hit my closed eyes. I turned to my side and opened my eyes to look at the empty space beside me. I felt the familiar ache in my chest and tried not to cry again but failed.
It was only just a dream.
Today marked her 1 week and it will be the funeral. We will have a short ceremony and then we will go to the cemetery. I sighed as I got up. This week have been the hardest, not only for me but for the lads, too.
We had to attend 2 interviews and in each, they asked about how I was coping with the loss. They lads would answer for me. On Twitter, I got a lot of condolences from our fans. Some were actually sending hates saying it was better that way because Danielle and I looked better together. It was kind of annoying and it pissed me off so much. They didn't know the word RESPECT.
I took a shower and went to our closet. All her clothes are still here and her scent's still fresh. I sighed and grabbed my black tux. Just as I was done with my necktie, I heard the doorbell ring. I grabbed my phone and the black bag by our door. I went out of the house and locked it. I turned around and saw Louis and Eleanor. She hugged me and Louis gave me a pat.
"Let's go." I told them. I sat at the back of the car and Louis drove to where she had her wake and where the ceremony will be held. I looked out the window and I can feel Louis looking at me through the rear view mirror.
After a few minutes, we finally got there and I noticed the police and the cars aligned. I don't want to be here but I need to. We entered the hall and everyone gave me sympathetic looks. Her family and my family were here too.
I sat in front with the lads and everyone walked up to me, saying sorry and things like that. I couldn't hold the strong act anymore and ended up breaking down. Louis, Niall and Harry went out. I know they hated seeing me like this. Perrie went with them but Zayn stayed. So did El who was hugging me and sobbing. I think she's the only one who understands me more since she was Shayne's best friend since they were 5.
"She was happy, Liam. It was a painless yet a painful goodbye. But we all know she's happy, she's not hurting anymore and that alone says a lot. Isn't that what you have wanted for her from the beginning? For her to be happy and just to be happy? You made that possible, Liam. And that's what matters the most―that you did your best but it was just that fate has other plans, and it didn't agree with yours." Zayn said as he stood up. With one last look and a pat on my shoulder, he went out of the room.
"I could've tried harder; I should've tried harder. I'm sorry. I-I-I'm sorry. I should've changed her mind." I mumbled to no one in particular as tears continued to stream down my face.
People say you will never know what you have until it's gone. But the truth is you do know what you have, you just don't think you'd lose them. And that's the case with me.
But then, I knew I'd lose her eventually...
Just not that soon. I wasn't ready...
"Liam." I hear Louis say. "It's time." He added and patted my shoulder when I stood up.
We both walked up to the front beside her, the song started and my heart broke a lot more, if that's even possible.
Moments played at the background. I stood at the podium and cleared my throat.
"Moments was her favorite song. She said because it was the song that we were performing when we met." I started. "Shayne was a bright woman. She makes everyone smile just by being in the room. At first, I never understood why I was so into her. She was plain as others see her, but then I got to know her more. She so much more than what she allows everyone to see. And that's what captured me. I really love her, everyone in this room does. If I didn't, I wouldn't have waited 6 months for her to answer me.
"The 15 months with her have been the best of my life. I don't even know what I'd do now that she's gone. It's hard you know? Having the one you love die inside your arms. When I slept that night, I knew it was coming. I felt it. She never said goodbye out loud, but she told me silently. She said when we woke up, she wanted to enjoy that day. She wanted to enjoy it because she accepted the fact that she was gonna die.
"Shayne Elizabeth Carter-Payne, you might be ready to say goodbye to us but we'll never utter that word. I can still feel you here. And it hurts cause I can no longer see you, have you in my arms. But knowing you are fine already, I'll try to be fine too. You told me not to cry, but how can I not when you're already gone? How can I not when He took you from me? I wasn't ready and I'll never be. I still long for you, Shayne. We all do."
I had to pause. Everyone was crying by now, even me and the lads. I was a mess. Tears run down my face, I sniffed every now and then. My voice shook, it breaks from time to time. The pain in my chest was too much to bear. I know Shayne and I are not married, and we'll never be. But she's mine and I was hers. To us, she's Mrs. Liam Payne.
"I love you Shayne. So much. You asked me to love again, you requested that I won't forget about you. But baby, I'll never forget about you and I don't know if I can ever love another. I love you wifey, forever and always." I croaked out.
"You'll never be forgotten." I added in a whisper.
We are now in the cemetery, everyone was crying. I was the last one to throw the rose when she was brought under the ground. I knelt beside her grave when they were done. I cried for God knows how long and only then did I look up when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Liam... We have to go." I heard El say. Her eyes were blood shot and her face was so red. Tears were still falling from her eyes. I looked behind her and saw the lads and Perrie were still there.
I got up and looked at her grave one last time.
"I love you, Shayne. Forever and always."
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