The Artistry of LIFE: Knocking on the WHITE DOOR

Chapter 1, Steeped in Suffering

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1 - Steeped in Suffering

I was Lost. I was lonely, lost, unhappy and quite frankly miserable. I was depressed and the depression was just getting worse. I had just started a new job as a nurse and life was difficult.

Dealing with people and their problems was no joke. Every day was a struggle, but I was determined not to give up. I knew I wanted this career more than anything in the world. It was my calling. But why was I having such a hard time? Why was I so impatient and angry with people? They just wanted help, they were just sick and scared and I was supposed to help them to feel better. It was my job as a nurse after all. For over two years the situation didn’t get any better, it only got worse, as I grew quite ill from the stress.

I became a recluse, writing poetry after work looking for answers within myself. I couldn’t sleep. I was staying up long hours into the night. From the very beginning of my new nursing job I started having symptoms of stress. The first episode was not so bad. I had a break out on my face of blisters. But right from the beginning I was tired, so tired. Could it be from staying up all night? One would assume that was the problem, right? But I knew it was deep, much deeper.

I was a young woman, only 31. How could I be so tired all the time? Where did my energy go? It was like a big vacuum came along called the energy sucker, and sucked out all my energy!

Once I was done with work that was it, I was done. I didn’t have enough energy to deal with any more people. So I hid in my cave so to speak. As time went by I grew more and more depressed and started having more and more physical symptoms of stress. Significantly, I remember the neurological symptoms. I started having this tingling sensation in my limbs. It was so scary. The more I freaked out about it, the worse it became. At this point I had no idea that stress could be the cause of it. I thought, “Oh my God what’s wrong with me?”

Eventually I got so scared I had my boyfriend drive me to the emergency room. After some blood tests and a short talk with the doctor on staff, I was sent home. I was told to follow up with 'a neurologist, but that it was probably due to stress. After that I never did follow up with a neurologist. Eventually the symptoms just went away.

The most significant thing that happened after that was to do with bleeding. This was cause for a lot of distress. I noticed I was getting my menstrual cycle out of turn. It would come for a few days, leave and come back again, sporadic with no rhyme or reason. I was worried, I knew by this point it had to be the stress.

This is where I was ready to draw the line. No one thing in the world was worth this kind or torture and decline in my health. In a way it was good this had happened, since I was finally putting the pieces to the puzzle together. I was certain that all these physical ailments plaguing me had to do with stress and depression.

All these things were happening to me one after another. I was also having difficulty swallowing, causing me to panic. I finally got fed up with it and made an appointment to see the doctor, yet cancelled because it cleared up before the appointment.

This would just happen out of nowhere, mostly when I was swallowing saliva. Too many things were happening in succession for it to be a coincidence anymore. And by the time I had the bleeding I realized what I was doing to myself and said this has got to stop. No job is worth killing myself over.

Well, I had a lot of issues. I knew that I needed help. I knew I couldn’t continue this direction anymore. I went from wondering if I was bipolar to questioning whether I should just give in and take anxiety medication, although that’s not what I desired. I wanted to make myself better in a healthy natural way.

I knew by taking anxiety medication I would only be masking the symptoms of stress and depression, by treating the symptoms and not curing the root of the problem. I figured out what the root of the problem was, it was stress. But how could I control this on my own? I didn’t know how. Until one day something amazing happened. I learned how to control my mood.

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