I write to you because...

Chapter four pt.1

Chapter four~

Grief.

Hatred.

Regret.

Remorse.

Broken.

Broken.

What a terrifyingly beautiful word.

Broken, it has so many different contexts.

I feel broken, in fact, I am broken. I never will be whole again.

It's like glass, you can break it, smash it to pieces, the tiny pieces that were once needed, once connected, scattering across the floor. You could rebuild it. But you never will find every single shard, it never will be whole or perfect again. Once broken, it stays broken, it can never be completely fixed, just held together.

That's how I feel right now, yet I haven't been fixed, I'm not being held together. I'm barely even being picked up.

I have the the boys, they search, but are scared of the cuts they could get. Understandably too, my edges are jagged, uneven and in need of care.

Sitting in front of this grave stone now, doesn't feel right, yet i feel so much more relaxed.

Louis is underneath me.

"You should be beside me lou," I whisper, my voice rough as I stare at the engraved words, my throat unable to form any other words.

'Louis William Tomlinson'

Beloved son, brother, friend and boyfriend.'

'Loved dearly and missed, a passing that was too soon, but forever in our hearts and memories, may your soul live on forever through your voice, message, and influence.'

Boyfriend.

Id asked for that, yet Eleanor had created a scene. Weeping, screaming in 'anguish', that she deserved that input, accusing me of stealing her 'boyfriend'.

That crushed me.

I'd been denied my input to your gravestone.

"She even took that from me," I whisper, the tears rolling down my face as I place down the flowers I had brought.

"So I spend time with you instead, you like that right?"

My voice breaks so many times, in hope id get the response I was waiting for. But it never came, it hasn't yet, and it won't.

I'll never hear his sweet,relaxing voice again personally, hear his breathing while he sleeps next to me on the rare occasion he stayed the night, see his soft, plump lips curve into a smile when he senses me looking at him in the morning;Just studying his complexion with a smile. I wont feel his hands finding their way to my waist as I cook our breakfast, slipping up my shirt and poking my muscles as he trails light kisses up the side of my neck.

His eyes just staring into mine for what seems like an eternity, before he cups my cheek and agonisingly slowly, leaning in and connecting our lips.

Hear the laugh that always brings a smile to my face.

That won't happen again.

Because that voice is gone, that breath no more, those once soft,plump lips are now cold and frowning, hands motionless, beautiful eyes lifeless, musical laughter nothing but a memory.

That's another lost shard of glass, another that cannot be replaced.

This one cut me when it fell, and left a wound.

It won't ever be a scar, because this particular wound, won't ever heal.

The sound of footsteps startles me as I turn, noticing a girl walking through the headstones with a bunch of lilies gripped tightly in one hand. Her black coat pulled up tightly around her as she places them down gently, placing a delicate kiss to her hand, before placing it on the grave stone, muttering a few words before wiping beneath her eyes, and walking in the direction of me.

Winter defiantly was upon us as I pull my coat closer around me, burying my head in my scarf as the wind nips at my cheeks.

The light sound of her movement ceases as I guess she notices me, I keep my head down, screwing my eyes shut.

Please don't notice me.

Please don't notice me.

Please don't notice m-

"Um, are-Are you alright sir?" she whispers, peering around. I visibly swallow, preparing myself for when she concludes that I am in fact Harry Styles.

"I-I'm Fine," I croak, glancing up at her, green eyes looking down at me with pity and remorse so clear it should have been screaming it at me.

"...It hasn't been long, has it?" She whispers understandingly, taking a step closer.

I look back up at her for a moment, before shaking my head painfully.

"Two," I manage, "Two whole months today."

And that's the day she found Harry Styles sobbing in the grave yard.

"Hey," she says before kneeling down beside me, her arms wrapping around my shoulders, stroking my messy hair soothingly as I give off loud, heartbreaking sobs and occasional screams.

"Hey,shh, it's going to be ok, you'll see, it gets easier," She whispers in my ear, her own tears falling on my head.

Once I become to tired to scream any longer, my body just locked in violent shakes, I peek up at her expression, feeling timid and hopeless.

Her brown hair is wild, the wind whipping it around, her green eyes overflowing, bottom lip quivering.

She recognised me, that was obvious, but she didn't see me as a famous 20 year old who was in the magazines and on television, she saw me as a regular guy, unable to cope with the loss of somebody close to him.

My eyes become so heavy, I allow them to fall shut as I lie with my head in a strangers lap, while she strokes my head comfortingly.

_______

A/N

This is just part one, I'm planning in doing big chapters,so just bare with me :)

I you think I deserve a vote, please do.

And if not, tell me why in the comments and ill get back to you :)